The Last Thing I Remember

This is a short story I had pop into my head while at work one day that I just had a chance to write down. While I was writing it, I thought that the concept of “The Last Thing I Remember” would make a pretty good prompt for people to make into their own stories. There’s so many different directions that it can be taken. Mine is rather …..wrong.

If you feel like writing your own tale of someone’s last thing remembered, feel free to do so. Also, you can link back to this post, if you so choose.

Immediately after I woke up, a bright light was being shined into my eyes.  This was followed by the excited chatter of people whose voices I had never heard before. One of the voices, in a very authoritarian timbre, began asking me questions.

“What’s your name,” was the first query.

“Ben Dover,” I answered when the light was finally pointed elsewhere.

“Seriously, kid,” the voice pleaded. When I finally regained my vision, I saw that the speaker was a doctor and that I was lying in a hospital room. “I need you to answer the questions without being a smartass. Now, what’s your name?”

“Conner Horne.”

“How old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

“Do you know what day it is?”

“Saturday.”

“Good. How are you feeling?”

“Except for the fact that my head feels like it’s about ready to explode, and it hurts to breathe, I feel great. What happened?”

The doctor ignored me and continued his examination. I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he kept pretending that I wasn’t there. When he was finished, he walked out of the room without a word. I saw him get stopped in the doorway by a police officer. They talked for a minute, with the cop gesturing towards me during their talk.

I’m assuming that the policeman was asking if it was ok to talk to me, because once the doctor nodded his head, he walked into my room.  “Conner,” the cop began, “I’m Officer George. You’ve been brought to the hospital because you were assaulted. Do you remember what happened?”

I was going to keep up with being a smartass, but, when I actually tried to think about it, I had trouble remembering what had happened. That, and whatever medication they gave me was starting to kick in. I don’t know what it was, but I liked it a lot. It was starting to make the pounding in my head subside. With the headache easing, I began to start remembering what happened.

“There’s no rush, Conner,” Officer George said, in his ‘everything’s ok’ voice. “What’s the last thing you do remember?”

——————————————————————————————————–

Whoever made the alarms on fry timers was an asshole. As if working in fast food wasn’t bad enough, you had to put up with the annoying sound of those damn timers going off all day. It’s even worse when, like me, you’re hung over. Last night wasn’t the first time I’d ever been drunk, but it’s the first time I’d ever been drunk enough to have a hangover.

To make things worse, today was Joe’s day to work. I don’t have any big problems with any of the other managers, but I can’t stand Joe. He’s only five years older than me and is already a manager. In his mind, that makes him better than everyone else. He thinks he’s special because he’s a fast food manager at twenty-one. Apparently, he doesn’t realize that, because of this, he talks to everyone as if they’re morons.

“If you don’t get those fries, that alarm is going to keep going off,” he told me, proving my point.

I held up my hand, indicating that I needed a minute. After all, I was trying to concentrate on the order coming in over the speaker at the drive-thru. Joe just rolled his eyes and grabbed the fries himself. The buttons on the register beeped loudly as I inputted the order. Once I had repeated the order, and told the customer their total, Joe once again demanded my attention.

“I told you to get those fries out of the fryer,” he chided.

“I was in the middle of taking an order,” I protested.

“It doesn’t matter. From now on, you do what I tell you.”

In my head, I was telling him how I really felt about him. On the outside, I simply said, “Yeah, ok.”

The rest of the afternoon, I tried to avoid him as much as possible. It didn’t work very well. He spent most of the time finding stupid crap to get on me about. Looking at the clock, I saw that I only had twenty minutes left before it was time for me to clock out. I thought to myself, you can make it another twenty minutes. Just ignore the dumbass.

That’s when it happened.

An older woman walked up to the front counter. Joe immediately stopped his griping at me and went over to her. They talked for a couple of moments before Joe leaned over the counter and gave the woman a quick peck on the cheek. She walked out into the dining room and sat at a table while Joe started gathering up some food.

For some reason, I couldn’t keep my mouth closed. “Isn’t it against the rules to be kissing customers,” I asked him, injecting some attitude.

Joe rolled his eyes as he explained, “That’s my mom, dude.”

I made a show of looking her over. “That’s your mom? Huh….”

He knew I was up to something, so he could’ve just ignored me. He played along anyway. “What?”

“If that’s your mom, I’m surprised you were ever born.”

Joe looked at me with scorn all over his face. “Let me guess: you’re going to say that you’re surprised that I was born because my mom is so ugly that nobody would ever sleep with her? Or that I’m too ugly to come from a woman like that?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. The reason I’m surprised you were ever born has nothing to do with her looks.”

“Good.”

“It has to do with how much she likes to take it up the ass.”

….And that’s the last thing I remember.

A Thank You To All

As you know, Matticus and I just finished up a story in which we saved his Kingdom from sparkly vampires. Along the way, we ran into many of our fellow bloggers. These are all amazing people. Not only did they make the writing process fun, they were also very good sports about the whole thing.

There are a few of our fellow bloggers who we would like to give extra special thanks to:

First and foremost, we’d like to thank Goldfish for agreeing to be our villain. Every good story needs a good villain, and you were the best, my fishy friend.

We’d also like to give thanks to Faithhopechocolate, who took the time to write her own story about the happenings in the Kingdom. Your adventure is a welcome addition to the Kingdom’s legends.

Last in this category, but certainly not least, is another blogger who was awesome enough to play our other big villain: Jaded. You certainly kept us on our toes, my dear.

Next, we’d like to thank all of the bloggers who were gracious enough to take part in our silliness. Our story wouldn’t have been the same without the  33 grams of awesome provided by (in order of appearance):

Finally, we’d like to thank everyone who read our story. A story, no matter how good, is nothing without an audience, and you are the best audience a couple of silly kingdom savers could ask for. We really hope you enjoyed the story and wish for you to come back for our next project, whatever that may be.

Revis and Matticus Save the Kingdom, Chapter 33

Revis Edgewater:

Head on over to the Matticus’ place and check out the finale of our epic tale of Kingdom saving. Don’t worry. I’m sure Revis and Matticus will have more adventures, but this one has come to an end.

Originally posted on The Matticus Kingdom:

Matticus didn’t have time to check on his Knight.  He had to hope that Revis’ cry of pain didn’t mean he’d lost the duel, and didn’t mean that Goldfish would have the energy and mental strength to cast a spell that could repel his attack.

His anger fueled his legs.  The miles that he and Revis had crossed no longer weighed them down.  The atrocities they had witnessed and the battles they’d fought gave him purpose.  The belief that the end of the war, that the kingdom would once again be safe, gave him renewed purpose, and he closed the distance with a speed he hadn’t know he was capable of.

Brandishing his sword, Matticus prepared to strike Goldfish with the flat of the blade.  He was happy to see her eyes go wide with surprise as he began to bring the swing around.  Just before his attacking blow landed…

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Looking For Doo Doo

A few days ago, my mother was over at my house visiting. She was sitting on the couch with my wife, while I was sitting in a computer chair next to them. We talked for a few minutes before Baby E ran up and stopped in the middle of all of us. My daughter pointed towards the kitchen and said, “Doo doo.”

The three adults looked at each other in open confusion. We are all fluent in Baby E talk, but none of us knew what she meant by that. Doo doo isn’t a phrase that we use around here. So, I ask her, “What?”

She points to the kitchen again and repeats, “Doo doo.”

We debated amongst ourselves for a few minutes on what she could possibly be talking about, but none of us had a clue. Finally, I tell her to take me to it. Baby E grabbed my finger and led me into the kitchen. She stopped in front of one of our cabinets.

She points to the cabinet and screams, “Doo doo!”

Now, I’m even more confused. The cabinet she was pointing to is the one where we keep our chips, crackers, and other assorted munchables. Was she trying to tell me what happens after eating the contents of that cabinet?

Baby E raised her arms in the universal signal for “pick me up”. I grabbed her and lifted her up in front of the cabinet. She opened the door and pulled something out. I immediately start laughing as she hands me this…

scooby

image from walmart.com

Versus: Episode 10

Are you ready for some fighting between fictional characters (I’ll pause here so everyone can play that scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, where Ben Affleck stretches out the words ‘fictional characters’ while trying to explain something to Jay, in their heads. Everyone done? Good. Time to move on)? It’s going to be good. Did you bring your popcorn?

…..you didn’t? Well then, what the hell am I supposed to snack on while writing this? Nevermind. I’ll figure something out.

Anyways, Round One’s matchup is inspired by bardictale. The matchup is actually not one of the two that was submitted, but a combination of one from each of them. Hopefully, bardictale likes this one just as much as the originals.

Continue reading

TWO YEARS AGO

Two years ago, I was just a guy who didn’t really know what I was doing. Whenever something new came along, I just went with the first thing that came into my head and hoped it was right.

Now, two years later, I’m pretty much still in the same boat.

My little girl celebrated her second birthday yesterday. Looking back on the day she was born, things seem so surreal. I remember her being born, but, when I look at pictures of her from that day, I don’t remember her ever being that small. All I see is how big she is now.

She runs, jumps, climbs, and (like her mother and grandmother) falls. She talks up a storm whether there’s anyone in the room with her or not. Her laugh is a beautiful sound, even though it sounds downright evil at times.

Watching her play is never dull. She’s always doing something entertaining. If you blow bubbles for her, she’ll chase after them saying, “I got it. I got it,” over and over.

She’s also not afraid to let you know what she wants. No matter what you’re doing, if you have something in your hands, she’ll knock it out of them, grab one of your fingers and pull you to whatever it is that she wants you to do for her. If you resist her pull, she’ll start crying until you either give in or she gets bored and moves on to something new.

Even though she’s a pain in the butt sometimes, I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter than the one I have been blessed with. Baby E, Daddy loves you very much and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to make you happy.

Inside Our Minds

 

Hey, everyone. Remember me?

……You don’t? Anyone??

Well, anyways, I’ve been working a lot of overtime lately, so almost all of my free time has been spent with my wife and daughter. As much as I like you guys, nothing is worth me missing time with my girls.

To honor my return, I decided to give you all a sneak peek into the minds of Twindaddy and I. What I’m about to post came to fruition one day while we were bored. We were just wandering aimlessly on the internet when we came across an online Mad Lib.

We love Mad Libs, and, since we were bored, we decided to give it a shot. The following is the results of those Mad Libs.

An amusement park is always fun to visit on a hot summer
butt cheek. When you get there, you can rent a
skank and go for a swim. And there are lots of
nasty things to eat. You can start off with a hot dog on
a/an dillhole with mustard, relish, and ass goblins
on it. Then you can have a buttered ear of turd burgler with a
nice hairy slice of watermelon and a big bottle of
cold semen. When you are full, it’s time to go on the
roller coaster, which should settle your sperm.
Other amusement park rides are the Dodge-Em which has little
gonads, that you drive and run into other herpes,
and the Merry-Go-Round where you can sit on a big butthole
and try to grab the gold colon as you ride past.
———————————————————
Four hundred years ago people knew little about our
cock strong universe. They thought that the earth was the
center of the entire shaft and that the sun and all of the
cum bubbles revolved around it. But then a/an
Nazi named Copernicus discovered the truth.
The earth revolves around the Nipple
69 times a year.

Copernicus, whose last name was Ma’ afala, was born
in Warsaw, and he used one of the first leaky
telescopes, which was invented by Scott.
This primitive telescope was little more than two pieces of
weiner stuck on each end of a dick hole.
In 1600 an Italian proctologist named Galileo
expanded Copernicus’s cracked theories, but during the
Inquisition in Italy he was creamily arrested. After
douching for six months in jail, Galileo was
forced to shit.
———————————————————-
Old Mother Hubbard went to the poot
To get her shitty snizzotch a bone.
When she got there, the snunt was slutty
And so her lusty dog had none.

Jack and Jill went up the hard on
to fetch a/an condom of water.
Jack fell down and broke his butt wipe,
And Jill came tumbling after.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her turtle head.
And when she was stinky, she was very, very runny,
And when she was bad, she was creamy.

There was a retarded woman
who masturbated in a shoe.
She had so many STDs
She didn’t know what to do.