Instead of a new episode of Agents of SHIELD this past week, they showed a special called Marvel Studios: Assembling a Universe. In it, they chronicle all of the Avengers movies/shows, starting with Iron Man. They ended the show with previews of the upcoming movies: Captain America 2 (which releases in a couple of weeks) and the second Avengers (which I think releases next summer).
Now, when they talked about some of what happens in the new Cap, I understood it. It all made sense: both as a continuation of the Avengers storyline, plus as just a Captain America story. The part I’m confused about has to do with what they said to expect with The Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Only silence answered him. He was beginning to get angry. “Look,” he announced, “I came because you said you had por….I mean, adult entertainment. If there’s none here, I’m going home.”
The light turned on, causing him to momentarily shield his eyes. Directly in front of him, but was covered by the darkness, was Skidmark. He was tied to a chair, with his mouth gagged. Captain Procrastination pointed and laughed for a minute before making any movement that could be considered helpful. Continue reading →
(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to everyone’s favorite superhero, Captain Procrastination. For the past couple of months, your hero has been incredibly busy saving people’s lives and rescuing those in distress. Because of how busy he was, he was unable to share his adventures with you. He’d like to apologize for the delay, and promise that it won’t happen again.
There. I said it. Now, where’s the hundred bucks you told me you’d give me for reading that garbage? And what’s with the “I promise it won’t happen again” bullshit? Procrastination is in your name. Of course it’s going to happen again.
What’s that? Yes, I know the microphone is still on. I’m not a moron like you. Sure, I’ll turn it off…. when you give me the money you owe me. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Pleasure doing business with you.
(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to another adventure of your hero, Captain Procrastination. Your hero would like for me to tell you that he was NOT watching pornography in the last episode. In his mind, that would be an undignified thing for a hero to do. I’m tired of covering for him, however, so I will not be telling you that. I will no longer be wasting my time playing spin doctor for that fat piece of shi…Hey, what are you doing?….Ow. Give me that microphone back…OW! MY NIPPLE!)
(And stay out! Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to technical difficulties, the rest of the Narrator’s Note has been lost. I apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused. Now, onto the adventures of your hero! Continue reading →
The TV screen showed an empty bank vault. He was about to turn it off when, suddenly, a rope dropped down from the ceiling. What is this, he asked himself. Patience wasn’t normally one of his virtues, but he decided he should continue watching to see if the was something he should do something about, or not.
Two people in ski masks descended down the rope. When they reached the floor, they took a quick look around before discovering that they were alone. Each of them unslung an empty canvas bag from around their shoulder and began filling it with money. Continue reading →
Welcome back, dear readers. I know it has been a while since you last heard the exploits of your hero, Captain Procrastination. After what happened with Skidmark and the Multi-Tasker, he decided it would be best if he laid low for a little bit (By laying low, I mean that he’s sleeping 18 hours a day, playing with himself 5 hours a day, then spending the rest of the time eating and pooping… sometimes at the same time). Now that enough time has passed, he’s ready to go out and take on the bad guys again… In other words, his mom is tired of him being in the house 24/7 and threatened to kick him out if he didn’t leave every once in a while). Now, onto the adventure! Continue reading →
(Narrator’s Note: I could put a link on here to take you back to the two previous chapters in this story arc, but I refuse to do so. None of you ungrateful bastards has ever thanked me for the job I do. How hard would it be for one of you to say, “Thank you, Narrator. You’ve turned an uninteresting piece of crap into something worth reading.”? It wouldn’t be very hard at all. But, do any of you do it? Noooooooooo. You’re all too busy being giant douch…..)
(Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to some technical difficulties, our regular narrator will not be able to join us for this episode. Instead, my good friend Dave will join us once again. Now, onto my greatness!!!!) Continue reading →