Captain Procrastination walked into the room. You could tell that he was having trouble seeing in the dark. “Dave,” his voiced echoed. “I got your message. I’m glad to finally hear from you again. It’s been awhile. I thought you were mad at me.”
Only silence answered him. He was beginning to get angry. “Look,” he announced, “I came because you said you had por….I mean, adult entertainment. If there’s none here, I’m going home.”
The light turned on, causing him to momentarily shield his eyes. Directly in front of him, but was covered by the darkness, was Skidmark. He was tied to a chair, with his mouth gagged. Captain Procrastination pointed and laughed for a minute before making any movement that could be considered helpful. Continue reading
(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to everyone’s favorite superhero, Captain Procrastination. For the past couple of months, your hero has been incredibly busy saving people’s lives and rescuing those in distress. Because of how busy he was, he was unable to share his adventures with you. He’d like to apologize for the delay, and promise that it won’t happen again.
There. I said it. Now, where’s the hundred bucks you told me you’d give me for reading that garbage? And what’s with the “I promise it won’t happen again” bullshit? Procrastination is in your name. Of course it’s going to happen again.
What’s that? Yes, I know the microphone is still on. I’m not a moron like you. Sure, I’ll turn it off…. when you give me the money you owe me. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Pleasure doing business with you.
Now, please enjoy this episode of Captain Procrastination!) Continue reading
(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to another adventure of your hero, Captain Procrastination. Your hero would like for me to tell you that he was NOT watching pornography in the last episode. In his mind, that would be an undignified thing for a hero to do. I’m tired of covering for him, however, so I will not be telling you that. I will no longer be wasting my time playing spin doctor for that fat piece of shi…Hey, what are you doing?….Ow. Give me that microphone back…OW! MY NIPPLE!)
(And stay out! Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to technical difficulties, the rest of the Narrator’s Note has been lost. I apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused. Now, onto the adventures of your hero! Continue reading
(Narrator’s Note: I could put a link on here to take you back to the two previous chapters in this story arc, but I refuse to do so. None of you ungrateful bastards has ever thanked me for the job I do. How hard would it be for one of you to say, “Thank you, Narrator. You’ve turned an uninteresting piece of crap into something worth reading.”? It wouldn’t be very hard at all. But, do any of you do it? Noooooooooo. You’re all too busy being giant douch…..)
(Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to some technical difficulties, our regular narrator will not be able to join us for this episode. Instead, my good friend Dave will join us once again. Now, onto my greatness!!!!) Continue reading
(Narrator’s Note: For those of you who don’t remember what happened in the last episode (and, let’s face it, this is drivel so you probably don’t), click here to refresh your memory. For those of you that do remember….what the hell is wrong with you???) Continue reading
Here’s a logo made for Captain Procrastination by the epically awesome Not Quite Alice. Show her some love, people.
For once, the knocking on his bedroom door didn’t interrupt our hero while he was mastur….uhhh, massaging himself. His mother opened the door to find him sleeping in front of the television. She gently shook his shoulder in an attempt to wake him up. When that didn’t work, she slapped him upside the head.
“Damn it,” he lovingly greeted her when he opened his eyes. “Don’t do that anymore, Mom! I have super powers. I could’ve killed you.” Continue reading
Two weeks had passed since our hero had last stopped a crime, or saved a citizen’s life. Every time he arrived on scene, the Multi-Tasker was already there, and had the situation in hand. In fact, Mayor Poopenmeyer didn’t even bother calling him anymore. Captain Procrastination, while he enjoyed all of the down time as he could get, was becoming increasingly frustrated at his lack of heroic opportunities. A plan began to formulate in his mind.