Two years ago, I was just a guy who didn’t really know what I was doing. Whenever something new came along, I just went with the first thing that came into my head and hoped it was right.

Now, two years later, I’m pretty much still in the same boat.

My little girl celebrated her second birthday yesterday. Looking back on the day she was born, things seem so surreal. I remember her being born, but, when I look at pictures of her from that day, I don’t remember her ever being that small. All I see is how big she is now.

She runs, jumps, climbs, and (like her mother and grandmother) falls. She talks up a storm whether there’s anyone in the room with her or not. Her laugh is a beautiful sound, even though it sounds downright evil at times.

Watching her play is never dull. She’s always doing something entertaining. If you blow bubbles for her, she’ll chase after them saying, “I got it. I got it,” over and over.

She’s also not afraid to let you know what she wants. No matter what you’re doing, if you have something in your hands, she’ll knock it out of them, grab one of your fingers and pull you to whatever it is that she wants you to do for her. If you resist her pull, she’ll start crying until you either give in or she gets bored and moves on to something new.

Even though she’s a pain in the butt sometimes, I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter than the one I have been blessed with. Baby E, Daddy loves you very much and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to make you happy.

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: My Coworkers

It’s been a long time since one of us has done one of these “Things I Should Not Be Subjected To” posts. I thought I’d bust out a post for this barely used category for you all.

At my job, there are two companies that work inside the building: the company that owns the building and the company that I work for (a small company of 15 people that does subcontract work for the other company). In my job, I rarely have to interact with the people from the other company. Every once in a while, I’ll have to drop things off to them, or vice-versa, but, for the most part, we stay separate.

The other company (which I’ll refer to as OC from now on) has some kind of fitness program set up for their employees. From what I’ve gathered, if the employees walk a certain distance each month, they get some sort of reward. Outside of the building, they have a course set up so that the employees taking part in this program can walk it during lunch and breaks. If they walk the whole course, they’ll know exactly how far they’ve walked.

So far, it sounds like a good setup. There’s just one flaw in it, though….the weather.

If it’s too cold, they won’t walk the course. If it’s raining or snowing, they won’t walk it. If it’s too hot, they won’t walk it. Basically, unless it’s nearly perfect weather outside, they won’t walk it.

Out of the 100 (or so) work days that have passed so far this year, they’ve walked outside for 10-20 of them.

Where do they walk, then? You guessed it. They walk right through my area.

My company leases the space we have from OC. In the entire warehouse, we have three aisles. That’s it. Three aisles. But instead of walking through one of their areas, these assholes walk through mine.

If they were nice about it (You know, saying ‘hi’ or even just smiling at me), I wouldn’t care. These douchetards, however, always look at me like I’m in their way; that my mere presence is an inconvenience to them.

Fuck you.

Don’t want to run into me? Walk down one of your own damn aisles, then.

If these bastards keep it up, I’m going to start eating beans for breakfast. That way, I can begin crop-dusting the aisles right before they walk down them.

The Bird That Had A Bad Day

I went into work early yesterday. Getting a jump start on shipping things, I began boxing a few radios around 10 o’clock (normally, I don’t start until around noon). After I had done a couple of them, I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Turning to look, I saw a cardinal had hopped out from underneath one of the racks in the room. When it’s hot outside, they leave the dock doors open to get a breeze coming through. So, having birds in the warehouse isn’t a new thing.

The bird just looked around for a few seconds. Not having time to stand there and watch it, I went back to work on the next box. I scanned the radio’s serial number into the computer and the printer kicked on to start an invoice. The sound of the printer must have scared the bird, because it took off. I figured it was flying out of the room I was in (which is called the packing room because that’s where we pack the radios. Clever, right?) and was going out into the warehouse. A second later, however, I heard a big thud.

The cardinal had flown into one of the windows in the room.

There was a table in between me and where the bird hit, so it took me a few seconds to walk to where I could see if the bird was still laying on the floor. It wasn’t. I may have investigated further, but the phone rang, indicating that UPS was there to drop off packages for me to receive. I put the bird out of my mind and went to work.

I spent around two hours in the receiving room (I’ll bet you don’t know why we call it that) inputting the radios we had just gotten in into the computer. When I was finished with that, I went back into the packing room. Before I could do any more packing, the Japanese lady called to me through the window that leads into the tech room. As I talked to her through the window, I started hearing a rustling sound. Then, some chirping.

I looked at where the sounds were coming from…. the garbage can that sits next to the window the cardinal ran into. That’s when the garbage bag started moving. Yep. It had fallen into the trash can after it hit the glass.

I immediately told the Japanese woman about it and she started freaking out. She told me to hold on and not do anything. Ok. Whatever. I went back to work.

A few minutes later (it takes some time to get out of the tech room because of the special things you have to wear inside there), she emerged and began dragging the trash can away. I continued what I was doing because I wanted to finish it before lunch, which was in a couple of minutes.

I did what I needed to do and walked to the time clock, passing her dragging the can back on my way. At the clock, I met up with a guy who works in the tech room. He told me that when she let the cardinal out of the can, it hadn’t flown, so it may have been injured. The guy also told me that he noticed that the bird didn’t have any tail feathers. I hadn’t noticed that when I saw it earlier. Then, he told me how that had happened.

A couple of the women, who work in the warehouse, had been talking when they saw the Japanese woman releasing the bird. They had said that it was the second time that day that the bird had to be rescued from something. Apparently, when they had gotten there that morning, someone had found the cardinal stuck in one of the glue traps that had been put down to catch mice. One of them had been able to unstick the bird from the trap, but it lost its tail feathers in the process.

To sum up: the bird got stuck in a trap, lost its feathers to get out of it, flew headfirst into a window, fell into a trash can, and was stuck in it for two hours before someone finally let it out.

That bird needed a shot of whiskey after that day…..

That’s My Girl!!!

Whenever my daughter hears, or sees, something new, she gets a particular look on her face. It’s half confusion (because she doesn’t know what she just heard or saw) and half excitement (at discovering something new). Since she’s at an age where most things are still new to her, she gets her “new thing” look a lot. If I see her with the “new thing” look on her face, I always do the same thing. I’ll put on a big smile and, in my excited daddy voice, I’ll ask her, “What was that, honey?”

Her answer to the question depends on what the new thing was. If it was something exciting, she’ll run around giggling hysterically. If it was something that scared her, she’ll jump up into my arms. Most of the time, though, she’ll just point at whatever the new thing is and start babbling.

On Tuesday night, I was giving Baby E her bath upstairs, while Mrs. Revis was downstairs doing some laundry. She played with her toys for a while before standing up to get another one of her rubber ducks. While she was standing……she farted.

I don’t know what it was about that night, maybe it was the position of the shower curtain or the level of the water in the bathtub, but her little toot echoed. Upon hearing the echo, she got the “new thing” look on her face. I followed through on my end of the ritual by energetically asking, “What was that, honey?”

Her answer was something different. This time, an ear-to-ear grin spread out over her face as she pointed to her bottom and yelled, “BUTT!”


Five minutes later, my wife came upstairs to make sure I was ok because I was still laughing.

Rough Couple of Weeks

It all started two weeks ago today. It was a normal Saturday. My wife and I ran some errands, caught up on some missed TV shows, and played around with our daughter. Then, just as we were starting to get Baby E settled down to go to sleep, it happened. She got sick.

Vomiting is something she’s still not used to, so it freaked her out a little bit. I immediately picked her up to try and calm her down while Mrs. Revis started cleaning it up. Once I got her to stop crying, I put her down and helped my wife finish wiping it up. After that, I put something in her juice cup and gave it to her. She drank some of it and seemed to be back to normal.

A half hour later, she got sick again.

We repeated the same process and (somehow) got her to go to sleep a little while later. I was hoping that a night’s sleep would be all she needed to get over whatever she had. It wasn’t. At 8 that morning, she got sick again. We ended up taking her to an Urgent Care place as soon as it opened an hour later.

The doctor there was a quack, so we decided to not listen to him and waited until her doctor’s office opened the next day to see them instead. Luckily, the frequency of her getting sick was lessening, so she wasn’t in danger of dehydrating herself anymore.

Her doctor said it was just a bug that was  going around, and there really wasn’t anything that we could do except make sure she was getting enough fluids. So, that’s what we did. Baby E didn’t actually start feeling better until around Thursday. Then, it came to last Saturday.

We were throwing a birthday party for my father-in-law at his house. My job was, basically, to show up, watch Baby E while Mrs. Revis hung out with her family, and man the grill. Right before we were getting ready to go to his house, my stomach started feeling weird. I had some spicy stuph for lunch, so I didn’t think anything about it.

After we got there, I completed my tasks, but by the time I had finished grilling, my stomach was feeling much worse. I told my wife that I was going home. She ended up staying there for a little while longer, while I brought Baby E home with me. By the time I got home, I knew something bad was going to happen soon, so I dropped Baby E off with my mother and ended up spending most of the rest of the night in the bathroom.

I spent all day Sunday laying on the couch feeling miserable. As the day went along, I started feeling a little bit better and was eventually able to eat something again. By Monday morning, I felt well enough to go to work…..dammit.

Throughout the rest of the week, both my mother and my wife ended up getting the bug. Hopefully, now that we’ve all gone through that crap, we’ll be bug-free for a little while.

Oh….Plus, my Xbox crapped out on me. That’s 33 grams of BS….

Filter Adjustment

During the summer months, because it gets so hot in the warehouse, I’m allowed to wear shorts. However, if I have to go into the tech room for some reason, I’m not allowed to wear shorts. You have to wear pants in there. So, I keep a pair of pants in my locker at work.

Normally, this would be an unimportant detail. Yesterday, though, it proved very important….I ripped my pants.

They were older jeans, that I really only wore to work, and the seam in the crotch ripped apart. I groaned, thinking I had to go the rest of the day with ripped pants. That’s when I remembered I had that pair in my locker. I immediately walked towards the locker room.

On my way there, I ran into the woman who works in the office. You may remember her from this story. She stopped me and asked me about a radio we were having trouble finding. After I told her that I found it, she looked down and saw my pants.

“You have a big hole in your crotch,” she said.

Before my brain could stop my mouth, I responded with, “Yeah? Well, so do you.”

Oops. I should’ve done a facepalm on myself, but, instead, I watched as her face crinkled up in confusion. She looked down at her pants and replied, “No, I don’t.”

Thankfully, she missed what I actually meant and thought I was talking about her clothes. I ended up playing it off as a “I made you look” joke, not the “you have a giant cooter” joke that it actually was, and got out of there as quickly as I could.

I’ve been making jokes like that (and smartass comments….and sarcastic remarks…) for as long as I can remember. I learned a long time ago (after getting myself into trouble a large number of times) that I need to check myself before speaking.

Apparently, I need to continue to work on it…..

Most Quoted Movie

My workplace is filled with a bunch of guys who like to quote movies. We’re all also a bunch of comic book nerds. So, you’d think that the movie we’d quote the most is either one of the Batman movies, or one of the new Marvel movies, or even other geek classics like Star Wars or Star Trek.

If you thought that, you’d be wrong.

The most quoted movie at my work is The Replacements. That’s right. The Replacements.

The reason for that is simple: When we close boxes, we do so with tape from our tape dispenser. The tape comes in large, dry rolls. As it is fed through the dispenser, it runs across a damp area, which makes it wet and activates the glue on it. The glue then gets all over your hand as you’re boxing things up. After a few minutes of this, it makes your hands look like Orlando Jones’ hands in this scene.

So, whenever one of us makes a bunch of boxes (which is an every day thing), we always say “You know this don’t look natural. You know it don’t.”

“Don’t talk.”

“Coach, I look like I just jacked off an elephant.”

That’s my workplace’s most quoted movie. What’s yours?