Tag and Bink Are Dead

When Disney bought Star Wars, I was excited about the fact that I knew they were going to make new movies. When I signed up for Marvel Unlimited, I was excited that I’d be able to read Marvel comics again. What I didn’t count on is the unexpected greatness that links those two things.

Disney owns Marvel. So, when they bought Star Wars, they gained control of the publishing rights to Star Wars comic books. Apparently, that also included everything that had already been previously published because I stumbled across a series that was published by Dark Horse comics many years ago called Tag and Bink Are Dead. Since I have been wanting to read this again for a while, I was pretty amped up that I could now read it through Marvel.

The great thing about Tag and Bink Are Dead is that it combines two things that I love: goofy comedy and Star Wars.

Tag and Bink are two Rebel Soldiers that are onboard the ship carrying Princess Leia at the start of A New Hope. Throughout the two issue story, the two men humorously manage to find themselves at the center of every major event that occurs in A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back. I don’t want to give away too much, in case some of you want to read it later on, but one part is that they are the ones who steal the shuttle Tydirium (the ship that Han and crew take down to Endor in Return of the Jedi). Another is that they are the two Stormtroopers (well, they’re dressed as Stormtroopers anyway) that Obi-Wan sneaks past on the Death Star when he’s shutting down the tractor beam.

Granted, a knowledge of the events of the movies are required to get most of the jokes in these two issues. However, there are some thrown in that even people who have never seen Star Wars (Wait….do those people even exist???) can appreciate, like them walking past a Big Boy while on the Death Star.

While I was browsing, I saw that they did two additional Tag and Bink books a few years after the originals. One of them covered what the duo did during Return of the Jedi and the other was about them as children during Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Unfortunately, even though they were written by the same guy, these two weren’t nearly as good as the originals (which is a pattern in Star Wars). They still had their moments, though. If you like the first set, they’re at least worth checking out.

If you love goofy comedy and Star Wars as much as I do, you should definitely read these books.

Spider-Man Fan Fiction 6

It took a couple of minutes, but his vision returned to normal. He had gone up against foes that had packed a punch before (Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, Sandman), but none of them had ever made him feel like this after a fight. Sitting up quickly, he waited to see if his head would start swimming again. Thankfully, it didn’t.

Common sense would dictate that he should recuperate before facing Morbius again. The thought of doing that filled Peter with dread. It needed to be done, though. Dr. Connors said that the parts that Morbius stole could be used to make the vampire even stronger and more dangerous than he already was. That was something that couldn’t be allowed. Now all he had to do was find him.

Judging by the number of bodies he found in the sewers, Morbius probably lived nearby. He’d also want to avoid heavily trafficked areas. The fangs and the all black attire wouldn’t help him blend into a crowd. Of course, the pieces of machinery he was trying to use probably required a lot of electricity to operate them, so he needed access to a heavy grid.

After his romp through the sewers, Spider-Man had lost track of where he was. With the slinging of a web, he was airborne once more. He climbed higher into New York’s skyline until he was able to get a good view of the surrounding area. None of it looked very promising. Most of the streets around him were covered with pedestrians. The only place that wasn’t was a block that was covered in construction crews adding another building to the already crowded city.

He didn’t really have a better place to start, so he swung on down. A couple of construction workers up on a crane saw him and waved. “How are you doing, fellas,” Spider-Man asked as he landed next to the men.

“I don’t believe it, Charlie,” the first man said. “I’m talking to Spider-Man. The guys at the bar are gonna call me a liar when I tell them this.”

“I know, Mitch,” Charlie responded. “We’re talking to a real life superhero.”

“Guys,” Spider-Man interrupted. “I hate to cut this love fest short, but I need your help. Have either of you seen a guy dressed in black with incredibly white skin come this way?”

“You mean Dr. Mike,” Mitch asked.

“Funny you should mention him,” Charlie added. “He just came through here a few minutes ago. He seemed kinda spooked. Normally, he’ll stop and talk to us for a few minutes when he comes back from dinner, but he just walked right on by us tonight.”

“Where does he live,” Spider-Man questioned.

“I’m not sure,” Mitch replied. “All we know is he walks down that way. There’s nothing really down that way, though.”

After thanking the men, he took off down the way that they indicated. They were right. The street he walked down was a dead end at another construction site. This was certainly a place that had little to no traffic. No lights were on anywhere in the construction site, so he wasn’t in there. Or, if he was, he was hiding. That’s when Spider-Man saw it. A group of heavy duty cables coming out of the ground. Right now, they weren’t connected to anything. Soon, however, they’d be used to provide power to whatever was being built here.

Morbius was back in the sewer.

Off to the side, Spider-Man caught a glimpse of the opening that Morbius was probably using. He quickly landed, opened the grate, and jumped down. Once again, the stench of the sewer assaulted his senses, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was last time. No dead bodies were down this tunnel. Spider-Man scanned all around, but there were no visual clues as to where Morbius might be.

There was the faint humming sound of a machine running coming from behind him. Silently, he crept along the tunnel heading towards the noise. If possible, he wanted to catch Morbius unaware. Further up ahead, to the left, an unnatural hole marred the wall of the sewer. When he reached the opening, he quickly peeked around the corner. To his surprise, it appeared to be a less sophisticated version of Dr. Connors’ lab. Some of the equipment looked to be new, but most of it was outdated and worn. He could only assume that the old equipment was what was left over from Morbius’ accident.

Speaking of Morbius, Spider-Man saw him enter a clear glass chamber along the back wall of the sewer lab. Inside of the chamber, Doctor Octavius’ control panel was mounted to the side. The genetic marker finder of Doctor Connors was connected to it with some cables and it sat just outside the chamber. There was no way to approach the thing without Morbius seeing him. He tried to think of a way to get across the room as quickly as he could.

Suddenly, the electrical humming grew louder. Looking up, he saw that Morbius was furiously typing something into the control panel. The more he typed, the louder the humming became. Soon, Morbius’ fingers stopped moving, but the humming of the machinery grew to where it was close to deafening. Peter wasn’t sure what he should do. All he knew was that he should probably stop whatever was happening.

He leapt around the corner from where he was hiding and ran towards the chamber. Morbius’ eyes locked on him, but he didn’t move at all. His arms and legs were taut, shaking from what appeared to be strain. Whatever the machine was doing, it looked like it was incredibly painful to the doctor. Spider-Man was about ten feet away when the machinery reached a crescendo. It was immediately followed by a blinding light and he found himself flung to the floor.

When he was finally able to see again, he found Morbius still in the chamber, staring at his hands. With a cry of rage, the vampire struck the cage. Shards of glass flew in every direction. “That should’ve worked,” he cried in anguish. His gaze settling on Spider-Man again, he growled, “This is your fault. You interrupted the process. I warned you, Spider-Man. Now it’s time for you to die.”

Character Renderings

One of my great regrets is that I’m not a better artist. I would love to be able to be at least decent at drawing. There are so many ideas I have for comics that I would be able to see to fruition if I was able to convey the images I see in my head onto paper. I’ve tried so many times and it has yet to come out right.

Recently, I got an idea for a character after having a Facebook conversation with everyone’s favorite dinosaur, Ra. Normally, an idea is as far as it goes, since I am unable to properly draw the character. This time, because Ra is so awesome, I decided to go ahead and try out the drawing thing again. As she is the one who made the picture at the top of this here blog, I even went as far as to try to style my drawings after hers.

In the end, I finished with 3 different images.

Here he is standing in front of a door.

invisible-1

Here he his standing in front of a window.

invisible-2

And, lastly, here he is in his backyard.

invisible-3

Well, there you have it, folks. Those are the first renderings of Tom, the invisible man. What do you think of my pictures? Do they really capture the essence of the character?

The Lie Revealed 

I did a post where I offered forth six tidbits. Five of them were true. One was a lie. The original post can be read here, if you’re so inclined.

Now that you’re caught up, I guess it’s time to let you know what it was:

  1. I have never smoked pot. – This is true. I have been around other people when they’ve done it, but I’ve never done it myself. It’s not that I’m against it, or have a problem with people who do it, I just can’t stand the smell of it. It literally makes me sick to my stomach if I’m around the smell of it too long. It hasn’t made me puke yet, but it’s come close.
  2. My birthday is the same as my stepmother’s, except for the year. – This is true. Though many years separate our births, my stepmother and I were born on the same day in July.
  3. My wife’s birthday is the same as my stepsister’s, year included. – This is true. They were actually born just an hour apart from each other. My wife is the older one, for those who are curious.
  4. I graduated high school with a guy who ended up on the cover of the Madden NFL video game. – This is not true. While it is true that I went to high school with Shaun Alexander, the cover boy of Madden 2007, we did not graduate together. He graduated in 1995. I graduated in 96.
  5.  I went to 4 different high schools. – This is true. I spent my freshman and the first half of my sophomore year at one school. I finished my sophomore year at my second school. I started my junior year at my third school. Midway through my junior year, I transferred to the school that Shaun Alexander and I would graduate from.
  6. They  threatened to kick me, my older brother, and our friend out of school during my freshman year for sexual harassment  because we wrote a song that basically  called my friend’s ex a whore. – This is true. I don’t remember what we actually said in this song. I just remember that the basic premise of it was that we were calling her a whore. We recorded it, my friend gave it to one of his other friends, and that other friend was stupid enough to take it to school and play it for people. The next thing I knew, I was being called to the office. I don’t want to say I’m strangely proud of this, but I kind of am. I don’t really know why either. It’s not exactly a moment worthy of pride.

 

There you have it, folks. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. G.I. JOE!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I had a flashback.

Anyways, I hope that helps you get to know me a little better. I doubt it will, because I really didn’t tell you anything worth knowing. Oh well. Better luck next time, I guess.

Star Wars FF: A Race to Danger 6

race-to-danger

I ordered Envy away from me. There were too many things going through my head right now, and I really needed to clear them out. Envy would just distract me from that. Next, I went to my quarters to lay down. I needed sleep that didn’t come courtesy of a stun blast. Processing all of this new information without any outside interference was another must, so I locked the door. Somehow, an ‘exotic herb’ that’s supposed to help people sleep was ingested (I’m still not sure how that happened), and when I woke up, our trip to Tatooine was halfway over.

My head was finally clear and I could think something without actually saying it (I checked…..many,many times). So, I began going over everything again in my head. A few things became clear to me. It was around these few things that I formulated my plan. After I had my plan nearly finished, I went over it a third time and looked for potential holes. When I thought I had them all covered, I called Envy in to go over the plan with me.

Some of you may be confused by this. You may be saying, “Torr, you haven’t explained to us what your plan is.” I am aware of that, but I do it for a good reason: if I tell you what my plan is now, it will give away what is going to happen next in the story. And, let’s face it, when you know what’s going to happen next, it ruins the story. I don’t want to take away anything from your enjoyment of me. I’m all about satisfying you (Remember that, ladies. Torr Nupp is all about YOUR satisfaction.)

Of course, you might also be wondering why I’d be discussing my plan with Envy, as he tends to only be helpful when I need to be mocked. Well, you just answered your own question. Being mocked might be just what I need right now. If any part of my plan is bad, or stupid, Envy will delight in pointing out how dumb I am for coming up with it in the first place. While I’m not a big fan of how he does it, I do need someone to bounce my ideas off of from time to time. Unfortunately, Envy’s all I have.

Also unfortunate was his response to my plan. “Master,” he sarcastically began, “it is a good plan, considering it came from a fleshpile, but there’s still one problem. Even if everything goes right in your plan, it may not change anything. If all that you want to happen does, in fact, happen, you still may find your career or life terminated. Of course, if your life is terminated, it is fair to say your career is terminated too, as dead men do not repair swoop bikes.”

“Thanks for pointing that out,” I replied. Hey, if he was going to be sarcastic to me, I was going to be sarcastic right back. “Does your superior droid brain have a better plan?”

“Out of all of your options, the one you have chosen seems the most likely to result in your continued existence. If you would prefer to live, I would go ahead and initiate this plan.”

“Go ahead and set it up, then.”

“Yes, because there is nothing more enjoyable than doing the bidding of an inferior being.”

As Envy turned to walk away, I wished I had a blaster with me so I could put a bolt right through his metallic head (Hahahahahahahahaha. If only….). After my droid killing fantasy was done, I went into my shop and began working on a swoop bike. As I rebuilt the engine, all of the different scenarios played out in my mind and I tried to think of what I’d do if those scenarios came about. This had an adverse effect on me as I started getting a giant headache. Normally, I don’t get headaches when thinking (despite what jokes you may be making right now….jerks). However, trying to think up every possible outcome to any situation is ridiculous and pointless.

People, no matter what race or species they belong to, are unpredictable and crazy, so there is no logic to their behavior. Therefore, it is impossible to try to foresee their next move or guess their reactions to certain events. I was going to have to stick with my original plan and improvise when things didn’t go my way. Thinking about it wasn’t doing me any good.

Instead, I focused on the task at hand. Rebuilding engines was easy compared to dealing with people and their insanity. It was where I usually went when I wanted to escape. Now, it’s my prison. My love of swoop bikes, and the racing circles, is one of the reasons I’m in this mess. (See, ladies? Not only am I great looking and have a wonderful sense of humor, but I’m deep, too.) I couldn’t put it off anymore. It was time to confront the other reason I was in this mess.

Katellan was in the cockpit (which is a very good thing. If he wasn’t in the cockpit, that would mean nobody was flying the ship and we probably would’ve crashed by now.) When he saw me walk in, he started to get up, but I stopped him. “How long have you worked for me,”I asked.

“I don’t know exactly, boss. It’s been a few years now.”

“In that time, have I ever not been there for you when you needed me to?”

“But this was too big…”

“I don’t care how big you think it is! If you needed money you should’ve come and talked to me about it. Do you know how much money I could make if I gave up racing and focused solely on swoop repair?”

“Not enough to cover my brother’s gambling debt.”

“Ok, probably not, but you still should’ve come to me first. What did you do instead? You brought contraband onto this ship. My ship. Who would’ve gone to jail if you got caught with it? Me. You jeopardized my freedom. Then, what did you do? You fixed one of my races. And, you were stupid enough to get caught doing it. If that holorecording goes public, who takes the fall? Me. Not you, me. You jeopardized my career, my future. To top it all off, now you’ve got me mixed up with this mercenary, who will probably kill me when I’m done with whatever it is he wants me to do. You’re also jeopardizing my life. After all of that, you act surprised when I say I don’t want you around anymore? You’re lucky I haven’t killed you. So, this is the way it’s going to be: You’re going to fly us to Tatooine, I’m going to do what Nalith said, and then I’m going far away from both of you.”

“I’m sorry, Torr.”

“No, Katellan. There’s no sorry big enough for what you did to me.”

I walked out of the cockpit and spent the rest of the trip in the garage working on swoops. When we finally landed on Tatooine, I was itching to get off the ship for a little while and head out for a few drinks. I had told Envy to have Turussk meet us at The Quick Fix the following day so I’d have time to drink myself into a better mood. That didn’t work out too well for me, though.

As soon as I stepped off the ramp, I felt another blaster on the back of my head. “Get back on the ship,” a voice said in Huttese.

Turning around, I saw that it was the Trandoshan. “Look, I’m all for punctuality, but this is a little much. You’re a day early.”

“Do you think I’m stupid, human? I know Nalith sent you here to kill me.”

Star Wars FF: A Race to Danger 5

race-to-danger

Katellan had never been overly dramatic, but I was finding his fear hard to believe. “Please tell me you don’t actually think that happened,” I laughed. “Nobody can take off someone’s head bare handed. That’s probably a rumor he started himself to increase his rep.”

Katellan shook his head. “Pay attention to what I said. I didn’t say I heard he did this. I said I actually saw him do this.”

Wait. Is that what he said? I looked over at Envy for confirmation. “Yes,” Envy answered my unasked question. “That is what the red idiot said.”

“Blast it. I’m Torr Nupp. Torr Nupp is the pinnacle of creation. Torr Nupp is too great to be making mistakes like that. Torr Nupp is….”

It was at this point that I realized that, once again, I had been speaking out loud (by the way, when you’re as great as I am, you’re allowed to talk in the third-person). For some reason, I’ve been having trouble keeping my inner dialogue very “inner” today. Since nothing is ever my fault, I’m going to blame this on Katellan stun blasting me repeatedly over the past 30 or so hours.

“Not a single word,” I warned. “From either of you.” When it became apparent that they were actually going to follow my command for once, I turned to Katellan. “Get the ship ready and get us out of here. I want to be in Mos Espa as quickly as possible.”

After Katellan left to carry out my bidding, I turned to Envy. “Katellan programmed you to be able to fly the ship, right?”

“Yes, Master,” he replied (although I was not aware that droids were capable of a sarcastic tone until I heard him call me ‘master’).

“Good. We’re going to go to Tatooine, fix Turussk’s swoop, then fix Teebo’s swoop, and then me and you are getting the hell out of there, leaving Katellan to rot on that sun-cursed planet while we hide out for a time.”

“That sounds like an excellent plan, but there is a problem.”

“And that is?”

“Teebo swore that he’d never let you work on his bike again.”

“Yes, well there is that.” I stopped. “Wait. Why is there ‘that’? I’ve never worked on his bike before.”

“No, Master. I did.”

“What did you do that was so bad? Did you make a mistake when you were fixing it?”

“Of course not! Unlike others who have made the claim, I truly am the pinnacle of creation. I don’t make mistakes.”

I could’ve ignored that little shot he just took at me, but this droid needed to be taken down a peg. Instead, I hit the comm link to Katellan. “Tatooine is the planet that has all the Jawas on it, right,” I asked him.

A few seconds later, Katellan had a confused response, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I was waiting for Envy’s reaction. “You wouldn’t dare,” he finally said.

“Oh, I wouldn’t? I’m planning on ditching Katellan. Why wouldn’t I do the same to you?”

Neither of us spoke for what seemed like forever. Finally, Katellan come over the comm link. “You do know that you left it on and I heard you say that you were going to ditch me, don’t you?”

Blast! I was kind of hoping that I could blind side him the way he blindsided me. Oh well. Maybe it’s better this way. “Would you want to hang around me if I got you mixed up with some crazy mercenary? No. So quit whining about getting what you deserve and get the ship ready for takeoff,” I said as I switched the comm link off. I shook my head and turned my attention back to Envy, but I stopped. I had forgotten what we were talking about. As soon as I’m done talking with the droid, I need to go take a nap or something. My head is just not right today (“But your head is never right on any day, Torr” Oh, ha ha. You’re so clever and funny).
“Before you so rudely interrupted yourself,” Envy said, “you were asking me about Teebo’s pledge to never have you work for him again.”

Sometimes I hate that droid. He reminds me of somebody, but I just can’t place it. Well, whoever it is, they’re an egotistical jerk.

“Start at the beginning,” I instructed. “And no commentary. Just give the facts.”

“I, along with every other droid that is capable, am curious about the behavior of you fleshpiles.”

“I said no commentary, you bucket of bolts.”

If droids were able to do such things, I’d be on the receiving end of a dirty look. As it stood, I just smiled at Envy and waited for him to continue.

“Yes, well, as I was saying, I find you organic creatures to be a bit of a mystery. Your behavior follows no known logic.”

“What are you talking about? How does this have anything to do with Teebo?”

Envy sighed. The blasted droid actually sighed. If I ever run into the guy who built him again, I’m going to kick him in the crotch. “Impatience is another trait of you fleshpiles that I don’t understand. If you would have let me continue, I would have explained it.”

“Another thing I don’t understand about organic behavior is the contradictory nature of it. For example, you all talk about how honesty is right and lying is wrong. Yet, when the time comes, you usually lie, which is illogical if it is, in fact, the wrong thing to do. I also have heard that it is good for humans to ‘get things off their chest’, to tell the truth to someone they have been dishonest to. I decided to do an experiment and see if that was true when Teebo came to The Quick Fix.”

Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good. “What did you do, Envy?”

“Even though you hate Teebo, you were always nice to him, which made him think that he was your friend. After I finished his swoop, while you were in last place in a race, he asked me to convey a greeting to you. I told him I wouldn’t. He asked me why. I told him that you didn’t actually like him. He asked me why.”

Oh, no. Bad things are coming. This story will not end well for me. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him the truth. I told him that you said he was a piece of garbage and that the only way for him to get that ugly, and stupid, was if his mother mated with a Hutt.”

Boom. That sound you just heard was the chances of me getting out of this with my life and my career intact exploding. Or, it could’ve been Envy, who continued to chatter.

“I must say, Master, I never thought my experiment would be a success. I didn’t think that ‘getting it off my chest’ would do anything, but I was wrong. I know I certainly felt better after telling Teebo the truth.”

Truths and a Lie

I’ve seen these kinds of posts before. The first person I saw do one was actually my brother. Since I already knew the answer to that one, it wasn’t all that fun to me. During this NaBloPoMo festival, I’ve seen other people do them. These were a lot more interesting to me. So, I have decided to go ahead and do one of my own.

I think everyone else did 5, but I’m just going to go with however many pop into my head. All of these things about either myself or a family member are true, except for one. Like all good lies, however, there will be a grain of truth to it. I’m also pretty sure that I’ve said most, if not all, of these things on this blog or in the comments at some point. Let’s see how this goes . 

  1. I have never smoked pot.
  2. My birthday is the same as my stepmother’s, except for the year.
  3. My wife’s birthday is the same as my stepsister’s, year included.
  4. I graduated high school with a guy who ended up on the cover of the Madden NFL video game.
  5. I went to 4 different high schools.
  6. They  threatened to kick me, my older brother, and our friend out of school during my freshman year for sexual harassment  because we wrote a song that basically  called my friend’s ex a whore.

    Ok. I ended up with one extra one. Feel free to guess down in the comments below. I will reveal the answer, but not  for a few days. I want to give anyone who may want to take a guess a chance to do so.