Story Time

Lately, my daughter has been wanting me to make up a story for her on the spot every night when I put her into bed. Actually, she wants “two or three long, spooky stories”. I have no problem with that. I’ll normally oblige her by coming up with one before I leave the room. There are some nights, however, that it’s not easy for me. Like last night….

It wasn’t coming up with a story that I was having a problem with. It was the fact that I had to go to the bathroom when my wife decided it was time for them to go to bed. I groaned. Of course that was the perfect time for them to lay down.

I accompanied them upstairs and put Baby E into bed. I tried to walk away. She started complaining that I didn’t tell her a story. I explained that I couldn’t tell her a story because I really had to go to the bathroom. Those complaints quickly turned into whines. So, I caved in and told her a really quick story.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wouldn’t let her daddy go to the bathroom because she wanted to hear a story. So, her daddy tickled her over and over and over until she finally said he could go. Her daddy went to the bathroom and lived happily ever after… now that he was finally allowed to poop.

She was unimpressed. I thought it was great. What do you think?

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Too Much Doo Doo

My daughter has been on a kick lately. She’s been wanting to watch nothing except for one particular cartoon. I used to like it. Well, maybe not like it. It wasn’t bad. I used to not hate it, anyways. Now, it’s annoying as hell.

For the past couple of weeks, it’s been nothing but “Doo Doo”. For those of you who don’t know what that is, that’s what Baby E calls Scooby Doo. Although, now she also sometimes calls him “Dooby Doo”. (Feel free to insert pot joke here….) Continue reading

Looking For Doo Doo

A few days ago, my mother was over at my house visiting. She was sitting on the couch with my wife, while I was sitting in a computer chair next to them. We talked for a few minutes before Baby E ran up and stopped in the middle of all of us. My daughter pointed towards the kitchen and said, “Doo doo.”

The three adults looked at each other in open confusion. We are all fluent in Baby E talk, but none of us knew what she meant by that. Doo doo isn’t a phrase that we use around here. So, I ask her, “What?”

She points to the kitchen again and repeats, “Doo doo.”

We debated amongst ourselves for a few minutes on what she could possibly be talking about, but none of us had a clue. Finally, I tell her to take me to it. Baby E grabbed my finger and led me into the kitchen. She stopped in front of one of our cabinets.

She points to the cabinet and screams, “Doo doo!”

Now, I’m even more confused. The cabinet she was pointing to is the one where we keep our chips, crackers, and other assorted munchables. Was she trying to tell me what happens after eating the contents of that cabinet?

Baby E raised her arms in the universal signal for “pick me up”. I grabbed her and lifted her up in front of the cabinet. She opened the door and pulled something out. I immediately start laughing as she hands me this…

scooby

image from walmart.com

Revis and Matticus Save The Kingdom Chapter 32

While Matticus had Goldfish distracted with his attack, Revis ran to retrieve his thrown daggers. Just as he closed his hand around the hilt of his second one, he heard Matticus cry out. He looked over in time to see the Jester slump to the ground. Whatever had happened between the two also threw Goldfish backwards.

She landed hard on her back, the air blasted from her lungs. Revis rushed towards her. He knew he had to get to her before she recovered and put her defenses back up. The Knight swung both daggers at her head, hilt first, hoping to knock the sorceress out.

By this time, Goldfish had regained enough of her wits to see the attacks coming and tried to block it. One dagger was deflected enough that it missed her head, although the blade did cut her arm. The other dagger’s hilt struck her just above the temple, but her blocking attempt had slowed the strike down enough that it didn’t render her unconscious.

Just as Revis had started swinging his daggers a second time, the sorceress spoke a word that sounded like gibberish to the Knight. Suddenly, he was flung away from her by some unseen force. He hit the floor just before he hit the wall and managed to roll enough to avoid some of the damage.

The two combatants rose from the ground at the same time, eyeing each other all the way.

“You are no match for me, Knight,” Goldfish spat.  The pain in her head quickly faded away and the wound on her arm closed as her magic returned her to full health, and speaking the necessary words, she rose from the ground to hover menacingly over the Jester.  “Together, you might have managed to get the better of me.  Alone you have no chance.  Give up now and I’ll let your family live.”

Revis seethed, but said nothing.  His eyes darted around the room looking for something, anything, he could use to his advantage.  He needed to find a weakness in her defenses.  He needed another distraction to catch her off guard so he could strike again.  But, his rational thoughts were fading as anger at the threat to his family slowly consumed him.

Time was running short.  He knew that Goldfish was probably already working on casting the spell that would either take his or Matticus’ life.  Thinking of the Jester he let his eyes fall to where Matticus lay on the ground, where he was surprised to see the Jester’s eyes open.  When their gazes met, Matticus winked at him, and Revis found his smile.  His anger cooled and his mind cleared.

“I think I’m more than capable of defeating you, merwitch.”

“Let’s put that claim to the test,” she laughed. Without taking her eyes off of Revis, she waved her hand in the Jester’s direction. Matticus slowly began to rise off the ground. After he was levitating a couple of feet in the air, Goldfish snapped her hand towards the doorway. The Jester flew out into the hall, the doors closing behind him.

Once his feet were on solid ground again, Matticus ran to the door. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get the doors to budge. Cursing, he turned around, trying to figure out a way to get back into the room.

As he did, the Jester saw that he was not the only one that the sorceress threw out into the hall. Jaded was right in front of him. She was awake now, and, from the look on her face, she was very angry.

“When I first started helping Goldfish,” Jaded began, “I was only doing it because she told me to. Now that I’ve tasted some of the power she wields, I refuse to go back to the way it was. If you want your Kingdom back, you’ll have to take it from me. And, this time, you don’t have your Knight to save you.”

Matticus drew his sword, spoke the words to spark its flame to life, and replied coolly, “And you don’t have the sorceress protecting you this time either.  You are no longer a vampire.  You are mortal.  I am not as clueless as I usually appear.  Do you think the Queen would have married me otherwise?  Do you think the people of the Kingdom would have put up with me if I was nothing but silliness all the time?  Think on that very carefully, Jaded.”

In response she snarled and glared, but she knew that the menace behind those actions was gone.  She lacked the strength of her prior vampire self.  Her fangs no longer held any threat or power.  The realization that she probably she turn and walk away incensed her into action.  In blind fury she rushed the Jester, her hands reaching for his neck, wanting to tear him limb from limb like she could have done easily before the Knight’s potion “cured” her.

The Jester saw her coming and had plenty of time to end her, but he took pity on her instead.  He knew that they had changed her life irrevocably.  They hadn’t meant to, and she might have deserved some sort of punishment for her role in the plot to overthrow the kingdom, but he wasn’t sure taking her life was the right thing to do.  As she reached him, Matticus sidestepped and used his right boot to trip Jaded.  Her momentum sent her sprawling head first into the magically locked door, once again, knocking her unconscious.

Time was not on his side. He knew he needed to act quickly. Looking around, he tried to find something to tie Jaded up with. They couldn’t afford for her to keep causing them problems. After extinguishing the blade, he used his sword to cut strips out of a nearby rug. It was one he had never liked anyways, so he didn’t feel too bad about it when he used the strips to bind Jaded’s hands and feet together. Then, remembering that Goldfish had said that Jaded possessed magic items, he took all of the jewelry off her and stuffed it into one of his pouches.

Now, all he had to do was find a way back into the throne room. All of the doors were magically locked, but there was still one hope. Right after his wedding to the Queen, she had shown him a secret passageway that connected to it. She had shown it to him in case they were ever attacked there. It was meant to be used as an escape tunnel. He was using it invade the room.

Matticus ran down the hallway that would take him to the secret passage. Because he was rushing, he neglected to keep his noise to a minimum. It ended up almost costing him when two sparkly vampire guards came around a corner in front of him.  They were poorly trained as swordsmen, however, and the Jester cut them down so quickly that he barely had to break stride. Making his way through corridors that only he and his wife knew, he quickly came to the doorway that led to his destination. First, he uncovered an eyehole and looked to see what was happening in the room.

From what he could see, it appeared that Goldfish and Revis had yet to start fighting.  She remained hovering by the throne and the knight hadn’t moved either.  They seemed to be waiting for the other to make the first move and perhaps be open for a counter-attack.  Beads of sweat appeared on both their brows as the seconds passed.  It was look on his Knight’s face that finally clued Matticus in to the reality that the fighting had already begun.  Goldfish must have engaged Revis in some sort of mental battle and the Knight was slowly losing.  His features were growing pained.  His face had drained of color.

As quietly, and as quickly as he could, the Jester eased open the hidden doorway and slipped into the throne room.  He needed to sneak up behind Goldfish and knock her unconscious before she noticed him.  He hoped that Revis could hold out long enough for him to cross the space.  He took his first step into the room, the sorceresses eyes snapped onto him with red rage, and Revis cried out in pain.

That’s My Girl!!!

Whenever my daughter hears, or sees, something new, she gets a particular look on her face. It’s half confusion (because she doesn’t know what she just heard or saw) and half excitement (at discovering something new). Since she’s at an age where most things are still new to her, she gets her “new thing” look a lot. If I see her with the “new thing” look on her face, I always do the same thing. I’ll put on a big smile and, in my excited daddy voice, I’ll ask her, “What was that, honey?”

Her answer to the question depends on what the new thing was. If it was something exciting, she’ll run around giggling hysterically. If it was something that scared her, she’ll jump up into my arms. Most of the time, though, she’ll just point at whatever the new thing is and start babbling.

On Tuesday night, I was giving Baby E her bath upstairs, while Mrs. Revis was downstairs doing some laundry. She played with her toys for a while before standing up to get another one of her rubber ducks. While she was standing……she farted.

I don’t know what it was about that night, maybe it was the position of the shower curtain or the level of the water in the bathtub, but her little toot echoed. Upon hearing the echo, she got the “new thing” look on her face. I followed through on my end of the ritual by energetically asking, “What was that, honey?”

Her answer was something different. This time, an ear-to-ear grin spread out over her face as she pointed to her bottom and yelled, “BUTT!”

 

Five minutes later, my wife came upstairs to make sure I was ok because I was still laughing.

Filter Adjustment

During the summer months, because it gets so hot in the warehouse, I’m allowed to wear shorts. However, if I have to go into the tech room for some reason, I’m not allowed to wear shorts. You have to wear pants in there. So, I keep a pair of pants in my locker at work.

Normally, this would be an unimportant detail. Yesterday, though, it proved very important….I ripped my pants.

They were older jeans, that I really only wore to work, and the seam in the crotch ripped apart. I groaned, thinking I had to go the rest of the day with ripped pants. That’s when I remembered I had that pair in my locker. I immediately walked towards the locker room.

On my way there, I ran into the woman who works in the office. You may remember her from this story. She stopped me and asked me about a radio we were having trouble finding. After I told her that I found it, she looked down and saw my pants.

“You have a big hole in your crotch,” she said.

Before my brain could stop my mouth, I responded with, “Yeah? Well, so do you.”

Oops. I should’ve done a facepalm on myself, but, instead, I watched as her face crinkled up in confusion. She looked down at her pants and replied, “No, I don’t.”

Thankfully, she missed what I actually meant and thought I was talking about her clothes. I ended up playing it off as a “I made you look” joke, not the “you have a giant cooter” joke that it actually was, and got out of there as quickly as I could.

I’ve been making jokes like that (and smartass comments….and sarcastic remarks…) for as long as I can remember. I learned a long time ago (after getting myself into trouble a large number of times) that I need to check myself before speaking.

Apparently, I need to continue to work on it…..

The Further Exploits of Baby E

Don’t you hate those parents who do nothing but talk about their children?

Well, get ready to hate me, because that’s what I’m going to do.

  • When last you heard, Baby E was busy setting up a criminal underground with her cousin, Baby C. They’re still up to no good together, but I think they know we’re on to them. They’ve been a lot quieter since. Of course, now they’re in the stage of cutely mispronouncing each other’s names…. They’re trying to distract us from something.
  • A couple of nights ago, Baby E fell asleep in between Mrs. Revis and I while we were laying in bed. Mrs. Revis kissed her on the forehead before I picked her up to take her into her room. After I took a few steps, she started stirring. I stopped, to try to get her to go back to sleep. Baby E peeked her eyes open, looked at Mrs. Revis, waved “bye-bye”, then put her head back down on my shoulder and fell back asleep. My wife almost cried from cuteness overload.
  • Twindaddy and family came down to my house to watch the Super Bowl. The twins, for whatever reason, wanted Seattle to win (They certainly got their wish, didn’t they?). High fives are Baby E’s newest thing, so whenever Seattle did something good (which was 99% of the game), she gave high fives. The thing is, when she gives high fives, she doesn’t give them to just one or two people. She has to give them to everyone in the room. Baby E did a lot of high fiving that  night.
  • I spent a good portion of my day yesterday baby-proofing our kitchen. As I was sitting on the floor, installing the latches onto one of the cabinets, Baby E walked over and plopped down on my lap. She then grabbed the screwdriver out of my hands and tried to finish screwing the latch on herself. Mrs. Revis took pictures and immediately uploaded them to Facebook.
  • And, lastly, about a week ago, I was giving Baby E a bath. She didn’t make a plop this time. She did…. toot, however. Her toot was so loud that Mrs. Revis, who was doing homework in the next room, heard it. “Geez, Revis,” my wife said. “Do you feel better?”…..THAT’S MY GIRL!!!!!