No Words

I’ve been walking around in a daze since I heard the news. My life is set on autopilot, just going through the motions. I’m not sure if the reality of the situation has even fully hit me yet, which is a scary thought when I consider how devastated I’ve felt since then.

Not long after, we gathered to celebrate her life. I wanted to speak. I wanted to stand up and tell everyone all about her. I wanted to tell everyone how great she was as a person and as a mom. I wanted everyone to know how generous, kind, and funny she was. I really wanted to.

Other people stepped up to speak, but I didn’t. I sat there clinging to my daughter, trying my hardest to keep her calm and stay strong for her. I didn’t completely succeed. I couldn’t stop all my tears from flowing and I certainly couldn’t ease the hurt she was feeling.

When it was over, I thought about why I didn’t step up to say all of the things I wanted to say. I told myself it was because I was trying to console my daughter, or that my brother had done such a good job when he spoke. While those things were true, neither of them were the real reason. No, the real reason that I couldn’t say those things was that it meant that I would also have to say goodbye.

But, how do I do that? How do I say goodbye to the woman who gave me life? How do I say goodbye to the woman who loved me since before I was born? How do I say goodbye to the woman who sacrificed so much, not only for me, but for all of her children and grandchildren? How do I say goodbye to the woman who was instrumental in me becoming the man I am today?

I can’t.

I can’t do it because there are no words. There are no words to tell her how much I love her. There are no words that can explain how much I’ll miss her. There aren’t any words that can adequately describe how much she has meant to me, how much better my life was because she was in it. No words can ever explain how much light she has brought into the lives of everyone she met.

Without the words, how could I say goodbye? How could I say something worthy of her? I can’t. It’s not possible.

Maybe, someday, those words will exist. Until then, I’ll have to settle for keeping it simple: I love you, Mom. I always will. There will never be a day that goes by when I won’t miss you and you will forever be with me in my heart.

Those Were the Days

While going through some boxes that were in my closet, I came across an old binder with a folder and some papers in it. I opened it up to see what was inside. It was a bunch of old character sheets from D & D. Some of them were filled out. Some of them were blanks.

I took a few minutes to look at some of the characters I had created.

There was Shade Bladesinger, a Neutral Evil halfling Bard/Assassin. Another was Danalia, the chaotic good female half-elf who was part fighter, part cleric. Hell, there was one character that had 5 different classes. I don’t remember ever playing that one, but that sounds like it would suck to play. Even at high levels, it would be someone who could do a lot of little things, but nothing very powerful. “Look! A dragon! I’ll do one point of damage to it with my magic missile!”

I remember my D & D playing days fondly, for the most part. Yeah, there were some problems with other players on occasion, but overall they were fun times. It was freeing to let your imagination run wild while chance dictated your moves. Before my original gaming group went to shit, that was probably the most fun I’ve had playing any kind of game.

Then, life and time happened.

I would like to play a tabletop RPG again, whether it’s D & D or something else. The problem is finding the time and the right people to play the game with.

Unfortunately, I don’t see either of those things happening any time soon, so I’m stuck reminiscing about the good old days. On the bright side, walking down memory lane from time to time is fun too.

Starting Tomorrow

I finally have enough of my new story written that I feel comfortable starting to put the chapters up on here. The first one will go up tomorrow. The next one will go up a week after and so on. I’m going to keep writing on it sporadically and I should be able to keep up with it going forward.

So, I hope you’re all ready to meet the Southside Protector.