It was a year ago yesterday when I found out that you were gone. The passage of time has done almost nothing to ease the hurt I feel. I still think about you every day. I still ache every day. I still miss you every day.
While the passing of the last year didn’t take away any of the pain, it did add something to it: guilt.
Even though I knew that the day would come when you’d no longer be with us, I foolishly discarded the notion that it might be any time soon. It was always something that would happen well into the future. It had no place in the here and now. Looking back, I can’t believe I thought that way. Looking back, things that seemed like valid reasons for us not being together now feel like hollow excuses.
I should’ve called more.
I should’ve visited more.
I should’ve done more.
Right now, I’m hearing your voice in my head. It’s telling me not to feel bad. I hear you telling me that no amount of calls or visits would’ve changed what happened.
Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I feel like I let you down, that you were disappointed with me.
I can’t do anything to change that now, but I promise you one thing: no matter what happens, I will do everything I can to make sure your granddaughter remembers you. I will remind her often of the things the two of you did together. I will tell her over and over that she had the greatest grandmother that this world has ever seen.
I love you, Mom. I miss you so much.