Support My Friends

On this, the last day of NaBloPoMo, or NanoPoblano (or whatever it is that you crazy kids are calling it these days), it was tempting for me to plug my stories one last time while I still might be hanging on to some newer readers. Instead, I thought the decent thing to do was to plug the work of some of my friends. After all, they’re all amazingly talented individuals who have voluntarily chosen to associate themselves with me (for some reason).

Most of you probably know Matticus, my writing partner-in-crime. Sure, he’s done a couple of books with me, but he also contributed a story to the Fauxpocalypse collection. You should check it out.

There’s also Arden, who helped us out on The Seven Sceptres by writing an awesome story. Did you know that she’s also contributed stories to other things as well? Such as Fiction War. And Rebels and Revenants. She’s a brilliant writer, so you should definitely check these out as well.

Don’t forget about everyone’s favorite dino, Rarasaur. Is there anyone out there that doesn’t have her poetry books, Sack Nasty and Dinosaur-Hearted? I highly doubt it, but I’ll put the links up just in case.

Last, but certainly not least, is the only one of these awesome people that I’ve actually met in real life, Matt. He hangs out over here. You most assuredly need to read his book, Hand One is Dealt. Go on. You know you want to.

So, please everyone, go and show these wonderful people some love. They totally deserve it.

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Where are the ideas?

It’s getting towards the end of the month and the idea bin is running low. So, this post will just include a picture of the pumpkin that Baby E and I carved for Halloween.

Enjoy.

It’s Finally Over

I’m no longer a cheer dad.

Her season is over and, unless she changes her mind, Baby E has said that she doesn’t want to do it again next year. That is quite all right with me.

Not only was it expensive (we had to pay league fees, money for her uniform rental, buy her accessories like hair bows, pay admittance to get into the games that she cheered in, and admittance for her competition), but it was also incredibly time consuming. For the first couple of weeks, it wasn’t bad. Just a couple of practices during the week. Once the season started, however, it turned into three practices a week, plus a game on the weekend. On top of that, the two weekends before competition, they added an extra practice on the weekend.

It was too much. And,that’s from me, the guy who only attended games and competition. Mrs. Revis took care of all the practices (not because I didn’t want to or anything, but because practices started before I got home from work). It ran my wife ragged. She’s even more glad that Baby E has said that she doesn’t want to do it next year.

Obviously, a lot can happen between now and then. Maybe she’ll change her mind and want to cheer again. I certainly hope not. But, if she does, her daddy will be there cheering her on.

P.S. For those of you wondering, her team won the competition for her age group. Baby E will soon get a jacket that proclaims that they were the “Grand Champions” for our region.

The Body in My Backyard

When I came home from work yesterday, I had to bury a body in my backyard. Unfortunately, it was not the body of one of my enemies. No, it was my daughter’s fish, Kiki.

This was actually the second Kiki. We were able to find a good enough replacement for the first one before Baby E even noticed that something was seriously wrong. She noticed that Kiki suddenly looked a little smaller but my wife and I told her that Kiki had lost weight because she was sick. I don’t know if she bought that completely, but she went along with it.

This time, however, she saw Kiki 2.0 laying on its side, not moving, before we could try to hide it from her. I stuck the net in the tank and the fish moved away from it, but not much. Baby E was crying when I left for work. I tried to calm her down by telling her that Kiki was still moving, therefore was still alive. She knew, though. She knew Kiki wouldn’t last much longer.

Sure enough, Mrs. Revis texted me about halfway through my work day to tell me that Kiki was no longer with us and my daughter was inconsolable. I called and talked to her for a few minutes. It was heartbreaking.

“I miss Kiki!”

“I don’t want her to go!”

“We need to get another fish and name it Kiki too!”

It took a lot of work, but between us, Mrs. Revis and I calmed her down. Now the problem was what to do with Kiki. With the first Kiki, we flushed it down the toilet and Baby E was never the wiser. This time, she kind of flipped out when it was suggested. I said that maybe we should put Kiki in the river behind our house. She didn’t like that idea either. No, we had to bury Kiki in the backyard.

“That way Kiki will always be with us.”

So… that’s what I did.

She was more calm today. She was still sad about her fish dying, but she was able to talk about it without crying, which was good. I don’t know how much more of it I could take.

I can handle anything you throw at me, but not that. Watching my child weep uncontrollably is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. What made it worse is that there was nothing I could do or say that would make it ok that her pet had just died.

I don’t even want to think about what will happen the first time someone she knows passes away. If I couldn’t handle this, I sure as hell won’t be able to handle that.

Make Someone’s Day Interesting

This may surprise you, but I actually have a home phone. Yes, they still have those.

We first got it a while ago when my mom was babysitting Baby E. She was very forgetful about her cell phone and we wanted a way to be able to get in touch with her if she forgot it. Now that my mom is no longer babysitting, we thought about getting rid of it, but decided to keep it for two reasons. One, while not necessary, it will be helpful when my wife’s company starts letting her work from home. And, two, due to the bundle we got from our cable company, it’ll actually cost us more to have it turned off than to keep it.

Other than my wife and I, only 3 or 4 people have that number. All of them are related to us in some way. But, none of them ever call it. They always call our cell phones (when they actually take the time to call instead of text). So, our house phone only rings about once every other day or so.

“If nobody you know is calling it, then who is?” you ask.

The answer is simple: telemarketers.

Or, maybe they’re scammers. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is that they’re going to try to get money from me one way or another. And, I know that they’re irritating. Instead of getting mad and yelling at them, however, I thought I’d take a different approach and make the phone call memorable for them.

Last night, my phone rang and I answered it. A lot of these calls are recordings, so I didn’t say anything right away. That’s when the brief conversation happened.

Caller: Hello?

Me: Yeah, hi. I was hoping you could help me with my butt itch.

3 seconds of dead silence

Caller: Excuse me?

Me: Come on, you gotta do something. My butt itches really bad and I can’t get it to stop!

Caller: 3 seconds of muffled laughter

Me: HELP ME!!!!

CLICK…

I think next time I’m going to talk about having a burning sensation on my taint.

At Least One Thing

When it comes to parenting, everyone is different. What may be right for some will be wrong for others. Despite what haters on the internet say, there is no surefire method to raising your children. We each do the best we can and pray it’s good enough.

Or, at least, that’s what I do.

I don’t know if I’ll ever really know how good of a father I am. My beautiful princess will be turning 6 next month, so I still have a long way to go, too. I suppose I’ll leave it up to my wife and daughter to be the judges on that. There aren’t many people’s opinions that mean a whole lot to me, but those two are certainly the most important. No matter what, out of everything that’s happened since she’s been born, I know for a fact that I did at least one thing right.

Every time we drive past a water tower, Baby E will say, “Look, Daddy, a water tower! That’s where the Animaniacs live!”

That’s a win, my friends. That’s a win.

Deuces

My wife and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. From across the house, I hear my daughter yell, “Daddy, come here!”

I go to the kitchen, because that’s where it sounded like it came from, but she wasn’t there. I peeked around the corner and saw the bathroom light on. So, I looked in. There she was, sitting on the toilet. Was she out of tp? What else could it possibly be? I asked, “What, honey?”

 “What’s 2+2?”

That’s what she made me get up off the couch for? So she could ask me math questions while she was on the toilet? “Don’t worry about it, Baby E. Just finish what you’re doing.”

“Come on, daddy. (Grunt) What’s 2 + (Grunt) 2?”

“You don’t need to worry about what 2+2 is right now. The only number 2 you need to be worrying about is the one you’re dropping in the toilet.”

Baby E fixed me with a blank stare while I hear my wife laughing in the other room. Ah, the joys of parenthood.