Smoker’s Alley Comics

A long time ago, in a galaxy that we’re living in, I used to draw comic books. Granted, none of them looked very good. My artistic skills are virtually nonexistent. In truth, they probably would have looked better as stick figures. But, I digest…

When I first started this, I drew them for my coworkers. My original series was started back when I worked in fast food right after high school. It was entitled “The Misadventures of the Roast Beef Workers” (I bet you’ll never be able to guess which fast food restaurant I was working at). I honestly don’t remember much about this one other than the premise of one of the stories. In it, someone pulled the fire alarm and the combination of the fire extinguisher system and the oil in the fryers (which hadn’t been changed in years) caused the food inside of it to come to life. The roast beef workers were forced to fight off walking French fries and chicken tenders.

My second foray into comics was when I worked at Hellmart. This one was entitled “The Misadventures of the Retail Bitchboys” and centered around myself and my coworkers. A few of my coworkers liked it so much that I did a spinoff of it just for them. It was called the “TP Task Force”, where I turned them into a cult that worshipped soft toilet paper. Surprisingly, only one of them took offense to this.

Both of these series were done in the style of Airplane/Mel Brooks movies. It was mostly jokes over top of goofy stories. There were also a lot of jokes thrown in about the horrible art that graced the pages. All in all, they were just me goofing around.

I “published” these books under the name Smoker’s Alley Comics. I don’t remember where the name came from. The only thing I can think of is that I was a smoker at the time. Still, Marvel and DC always had their logo or name somewhere on the cover, so I thought that I should too.

While I had plenty of ideas for new comics for Smoker’s Alley to do, the only one I ever actually drew out was a mini series about an ice powered hero named Freezer Burn. His powers weren’t very original (basically he was Iceman) and, as I learned a few months ago when I looked it up, neither was his name. But, I did like the story, so I have had thoughts about retooling it.

I used to dream about Smoker’s Alley becoming big time. I wanted to turn my stories, like Dead Set or Haunted Angel (a spinoff of Dead Set that explores what happens to Father Michaels after he leaves the pages of Dead Set), into comic books and have them be hits. I hoped that I would be able to find an artist that could put the images I had in my head on paper.

But, alas, I never found my artist. Not that it would have mattered. I knew absolutely nothing about how to go about actually publishing a comic book. Hell, I still don’t. Plus, I wouldn’t have had the money to pay for the printing anyway.

Over the life of this blog, I’ve thought about reviving Smoker’s Alley Comics on here. I’ve thought about actually taking the time to draw out a retooled version of my Freezer Burn story (and obviously giving him a new name). I’ve thought about drawing out a story that I have come up with for my character DICO (Unlike those I’ve posted on this blog, this DICO story would obviously be serious. Well, as serious as it can possibly be when DICO’s superpower is the ability to be able to throw his nipples at people.).

There are reasons that I haven’t done so yet. First and foremost, my drawings would offend actual artists. Yes, they’re that bad.

Second, I’m not sure how I’d be able to do it. Would I hand draw them and then scan them? Would I try to draw them on the computer? Would I be able to fit an entire issue worth of pages into a single post on here? If not, how would I get the issue to the people that want to read it? Would I be able to get them into a file small enough for me to email them?

See? The logistics of it all is baffling.

Once this post a day month is over, I might have the time to attempt this, if enough of you actually want me to do it. Although, if you have any suggestions about how to get this out there, I’m willing to listen.

P.S. Before any of you ask: No, I don’t have any of the old comics that I drew. They got lost or thrown away during one of my many moves since then.

Crushing Failure

He stepped into the shadows as the police cruiser drove by. They hadn’t stopped looking for him since it happened. Security footage would show that he had nothing to do with the death, but they looked for him anyway. He was there. He had answers to the questions they had.

He stopped at an abandoned car and looked at himself in the side mirror. It was a failure looking back at him. With a snarl, he pulled off one of his nipples, and shattered the mirror with it.

Never again.

Never again would he fail to protect someone.

Have You Read My Stories?

Also fun for the weekend, if you didn’t take my suggestion yesterday, is reading the stories that I have on this here blog. You can find them on the My Stories tab at the top of my page. I have a Star War fan fiction. A Left 4 Dead fan fiction.

I also have 3 different comic book-type stories. There’s Dead Set, which is my serious one. Captain Procrastination is my off-the-wall goofy one. And DICO is…. well…. DICO is somewhere in the middle.

I’ve also done a short Superman fan fiction, and a Spider-Man one as well, but I haven’t added them to that page yet for some reason. I suppose I could do that now, while I’m thinking about it, but I’m channeling my inner Captain Procrastination at the moment. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

Speaking of “next time”, that’s when I’ll see you again, dear readers!

DICO – Bleeding Out Part 4

Mayor Poopenmeyer heard the sound of a fresh magazine being put into Jefferey’s  gun. It was the last thing he heard before the room turned black. Everything around him swam as his body desperately clung to life.

DICO wanted to bandage the mayor’s wounds a little more, but he knew he didn’t have time. If he didn’t take care of Jefferey now, then him and the mayor would both be dead. His only chance was to go on the offensive to end this situation as soon as possible. That was the only way there was a chance that everyone would walk out of this alive. 

Looking over the door, DICO hoped that it swung both ways. He was severely disappointed to learn that it didn’t. It only opened towards him. That didn’t leave him with any good options. 

The superhero crept close to the door. His shoe, which had a little of the mayor’s blood on it, squeaked when he got a few feet away from it. A new barrage of bullets hit the door. This time, whether it was from Jefferey moving closer ir the different angle of entry, some of the bullets began making it through the door. DICO swore. Not only was he in more danger now, but the mayor could now be shot again by one of these random projectiles. 

He had to do something, and he was obviously not strong enough to throw his nipples through the door. Taking a quick glance around the office they were hiding in, DICO didn’t see anything he could use to help his situation. If he was going to get out of this mess, he’d have to use his nipples to do it. Since it had been a while since they let him down, he felt slightly better about his chances.

With a swift twist, he pulled off both of his nipples. Clenching his fist around them, it didn’t feel as solid as he would’ve liked. He had to wait until they grew back so he could use a couple more. While he was waiting, another small group of shots were fired into the door. Thankfully, none of them hit the mayor. From out in the hallway, Jefferey’s voice drifted in through the holes in the door. 

“You can still walk away from this, DICO,” the shooter began. “All I want is the mayor. If you let me have him, you’re free to go.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Jefferey’s offer was very tempting. Mayor Poopenmeyer was corrupt. He had to blackmail his way into becoming the city’s superhero. The mayor openly talked about taking bribes from bad guys. Maybe the city was better off without him.

No, he shook his head vehemently. No matter what someone was guilty of,  he would never let anyone just die. Not if he could help it.

“No thanks,” DICO retorted. “If I walk away now, I  won’t get to kick your ass.”

More shots immediately came through the door. While Jefferey was shooting, DICO pulled off two more of his metallic nipples. Once more clenching them in a tightly closed fist, he tested it out by softly punching his open hand. It felt better. It wouldn’t be as good as brass knuckles, but it would have about the same effect as a roll of quarters. As soon as the bullets stopped , DICO jumped to the opposite side of the door, where the door knob was. Upon hearing the movement, Jefferey fired again.

The metallic click of the magazine disengaging told DICO that his moment had come. He opened the door, stepped out, and launched his fist at Jefferey’s face. Distracted by the reload, The Boss’ henchman wasn’t able to react fast enough. The punch hit him in the forehead, right above his nose. DICO’s fingers had developed thick calluses from years spent playing with his nipples. Even so, the force of the blow sent the sharp edges of his areolas dug into his hands, drawing blood.
His strike had the desired effect, however, as Jefferey went stumbling backwards, smacking the back of his head against the wall and sliding into a sitting position. Before his opponent could recover, DICO lurched forward and kneed him in the side of the head. After the sickening thump of Jefferey’s skull being slammed between a wall and a knee, the man fell face first onto the floor. DICO grabbed the gun that he had dropped and quickly went back into the office to check on the mayor. 

Voices coming from a police band radio told him that help was just around the corner. “DICO,” someone hollered. 

“Down here,” he shouted back. 

“What’s the situation?”

“The shooter is down. I’m ok.”

“What about the mayor,” the officer asked, finally coming into view.

With one hand on the mayor’s neck, searching for a pulse, and the other hovering over his mouth, feeling for breath,  DICO silently cursed. His chin fell to his chest. “I was too late,” DICO sighed. “He’s gone.”

DICO – Bleeding Out Part 3

“Was the store owner ok,” Mayor Poopenmeyer asked. 

“Do you even care,” DICO responded as he continued bandaging up the mayor’s wounds.

“Not really. I’m just looking for something to take my mind off all the blood I’m losing.”

DICO rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Anyway …”

Earlier….

The sirens grew louder as DICO checked the shop owner for a bullet wound. He didn’t see one on his back, so he flipped him over. There, he saw a hole in the dead center of the owner’s chest. No blood seeped from it, which momentarily confused him. He put his finger into the hole and found that the store owner was wearing a Kevlar vest.

DICO sat back. “You can open your eyes now,” he said. “He’s out.”

The owner’s lids flew open and he let out a string of curses. “Damn, that hurts,” he complained after his venting session. 

“It’s better than being dead,” DICO reminded him.

Turning around, the hero saw that the police had arrived and had put the gunman into handcuffs. They also did their best to revive him. His eyes began to flutter open as paramedics arrived and led the shop owner away. The gunman thrashed at his bonds once he realized what was going on. One of the police officers lost his grip on the gunman’s arms. 

DICO, jumping into action, gave himself a titty twister, pulling one of his metallic nipples off. With the precision of a major league pitcher, he hurled the projectile at the gunman. It flew true, striking him right between the eyes. The gunman stopped dead in his tracks and wobbled unsteadily on his feet.

“Quit squirming, CQ,” the officer who still had a grip on him commanded. 

“You know him,” DICO asked. 

“He’s one of The Boss’ men. They call him CQ, but I don’t know why.”

DICO was glad that another one of The Boss’ thugs was going to prison. He watched while the officers shoved him into the back of a squad car. Before they closed the door, CQ regained enough of his wits to yell out at the hero. “You may have captured me,” he taunted, “but you’re too late to save your friend at City Hall.”

They wouldn’t go after the mayor. Would they?

Now…

Mayor Poopenmeyer looked over his wounds. “You’re pretty good at patching people up,” he remarked.

“I learned how to dress gunshot wounds while I was in the army,” DICO responded. 

The mayor gave his rescuer an angry glare. “You were in the military?”

“Yeah.”

“So you know how to fight using guns and everything?”

“Well…yeah.”

“You idiot, ” Mayor Poopenmeyer hollered, reaching up and slapping him. “You could’ve saved us a lot sooner and easier if you would’ve used normal weapons instead of your damn nipples.”

“But if I don’t use my powers, I won’t be a superhero.”

The mayor reached out and slapped DICO again. Unfortunately for him, he opened his wounds up when he did so. More blood began seeping from the two unnatural holes in the mayor’s body. Seconds later, Mayor Poopenmeyer  became dizzy and lost consciousness. DICO was about to work on getting the wounds closed again when there was a pounding on the door. 

Now DICO had a choice: work on fixing the mayor  up, or trying to fight off Jefferey. 

DICO – Bleeding Out Part 2

The mayor watched as his guardian stood protectively over him. DICO pulled off the two new nipples that had grown in place of the ones he had already thrown. He quickly hurled them at Jefferey, forcing the gunman back. Using the time he had just bought, DICO grabbed Mayor Poopenmeyer under the arms and dragged him back into the closest room. Just as they made it out of sight, two more gunshots rang out. One of the bullets struck the doorframe at the height of the mayor’s head.

DICO ran back to the door and blindly tossed out two more of his metallic nipples. Jumping across the opening, he managed to slam the door closed just as another bullet bit into it. Jefferey would soon be through the door, so the superhero tried to think of a way out of the room. A wet cough tore him away from his contemplations a second later. 

Blood now dripped from between the mayor’s lips, along with the bullet wounds in his side and shoulder. His skin was pale and his breathing was ragged. If he didn’t get to a doctor soon, he would die. DICO tore strips of fabric from the mayor’s shirt and used them to try to stop the bleeding. “You never answered my question,” Mayor Poopenmeyer said as the hero worked on him.

“What question?”

“What took you so long to get here?”

“Well…

Earlier….

The shop owner hated closing this early, but he didn’t have a choice. He had to get to his daughter’s wedding and both of his other employees had quit after a couple of The Boss’ thugs had tried to kill him. Not that he blamed them. This job wasn’t exactly worth dying for. And while the physical damage to the store had been, for the most part, fixed, it would be a long time before he felt safe in his store again. 

A thread from that night brought him back to the present. Looking out the window, he saw a man sitting on the sidewalk a little further up the street. The man appeared to be homeless. His clothes were worn and had holes in them. His hair was unkempt and he needed a shave. The shop owner knew better than to judge him based on his appearance,  though, for that man was DICO; the superhero who was responsible for the arrests of the men who had tried to kill him. 

The shop owner thought about running a cup of coffee out to DICO, but saw on his watch that he was running late. Instead, he vowed to do so tomorrow if the superhero was still there. He stepped outside and closed the door. As he was turning the key to lock it, he heard a car horn going off. A man had almost been hit trying to cross the street. Despite almost being run over, the man never looked at the car. He just stared hard at the shop owner with evil intent in his eyes. The shop owner knew that this was another man The Boss had sent to kill him.

“DICO,” he screamed as the man drew a  gun.

By the time the shop owner yelled, DICO was already in motion. He had jumped up as soon as he heard the car horn blaring. It was only a matter of time before they sent someone to finish the job that DICO had interrupted before, and he promised himself he would be there when it did. That’s why he had been sitting out in front of the store the past few days. 

DICO didn’t have a clear view of the man because the car was somewhat blocking him. From his vantage point, though, it looked as if the man was reaching for something. Still twenty feet away, DICO knew that hewouldn’t do much damage from here, but he hoped that his nipples would be distracting enough that the man would leave the shop owner alone. He reached inside his shirt, grabbed a  nipple, twisted it off,  and let it fly.

It flew straight at first, veering slightly towards the end, and hit the man in the neck. Unfortunately, by that time, he had already pulled his gun out. The slap of the nipple against his skin startled the gunman and he pulled the trigger in response. With the gunshot echoing off the nearby buildings, the shop owner fell to the ground. 

“No,” DICO cried as he put his  effort into getting to the gunman as quickly as possible.

The driver of the car, after hearing the gunshot, no longer cared that there was a person in front of their car and floored the gas pedal. While the car didn’t have much room to build momentum, it still hit the gunman with enough force to sent him at least five feet away from where he started. It should have been something that he could easily get up from, but he landed awkwardly, hitting his head on the pavement.

By the time DICO got to him, the gunman wasn’t unconscious, but he did have a glazed over look in his eyes. DICO punched him in the face two times in rapid succession to ensure that the gunman stayed down. After almost forgetting about it,  he also grabbed the gun out of the man’s hand. With that done, DICO went to check on the shop owner. 

DICO didn’t see any blood, but the shop owner’s eyes were closed and he wasn’t moving. All he could do was hope he wasn’t too late.

DICO – Bleeding Out Part 1

He took two shuffling steps forward down the dimly lit hallway. His body needed to go faster, but there was no energy behind his movements. Looking down at his torso, he saw another drop of blood fall from the bullet wound in his side. Someone had to hear the gunshot. Why wasn’t anyone coming to help him?

The sound of footsteps approaching from behind left him with a mixture of fear and hope inside. It was either someone rushing to his aid, or the person  who shot him was looking to finish him off. He had no way of knowing which. Whoever shot him did so from concealment. Anyone could’ve pulled the trigger.

Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw a man’s frame form in the shadows behind him. The outline didn’t appear to be one of somebody wearing a policeman or security guard’s uniform, but he was able to make out the gun in their hand. Fear lent him an adrenaline boost and he managed to speed up some.

Pain exploded in his shoulder as soon as he heard the gunshot. He fell forward hard, landing on his face without being able to brace himself. The room began spinning in his vision.

“Going somewhere,” he heard his attacker ask.

He wasn’t sure where he got the energy from, but he managed to turn himself over so he was laying on his back. The man who shot him stepped forward, finally passing through enough light so his face was visible. “I know you,” he said from his spot on the floor.

His attacker was Jefferey, one of The Boss’ top men. They had just talked a few hours ago.

“Yes, you do, Mayor Poopenmeyer,” Jeffery conceded. “The Boss wants me to deliver a message to you.”

“What message is that?”

He says goodbye.”

In slow motion, Jefferey’s finger tightened on the trigger. The mayor waited for the bullet to leap from the gun at him. Something flashed by over his head. He wasn’t sure what it was. All he saw was a glint of light flashing off of it. Almost deafening, the gun fired again.

To his surprise, the mayor found that he didn’t have a new hole in him. Instead, he saw Jefferey stumble back a few steps with blood dripping from his nose. “You,”Jefferey cried, looking past the prone mayor.

Poopenmeyer did his best to glance in that direction and barely managed to catch a glimpse of the man who saved him: DICO. The mayor couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so excited to see nipples. Well…

His thoughts were interrupted as DICO threw a second nipple and came closer to him. “Hang on,” he pleaded. “Help’s on the way, Mr. Mayor.”

“You’re late,” the mayor laughed weakly. “What took you so long?”

“It’s a long story…”