Paintballer

As you may have seen, I did a “Captain Procrastination” story a few days ago. When I first wrote a story about him (many, many years ago), I had no plans on making a series out of it. To me, it was just a humorous concept. It was a person who had good superhuman powers, but was still a lame hero. Eventually, the novelty wore off and I tired of writing them.

So, I thought I’d flip the concept with my follow up character, DICO. He was a good (or at least decent) hero who had lame powers. That novelty wore off pretty quickly too. But, the recent CP story (which honestly only came about because of a joke between Matticus and myself) made me think back to a character I had come up with probably close to 15 years ago named Paintballer, who was both a lame hero and had lame powers.

Well, I guess technically he had no powers, but that’s beside the point.

A coworker of mine had heard about a contest at a comic book convention (it wasn’t the local one in Cincinnati. I think it was the one in Indianapolis or something). The contest involved making your own comic book/superhero movie, lasting between 5 to 10 minutes long. I don’t remember what the prize was for winning, but the two of us made plans to enter. We were going to do two movies, one for each of us.

There were two main problems we had to overcome. The first was budget…. we had none.

Neither of us had any money, so anything we did would have to involve things we either already had or that could be obtained for little or no money.

The second main problem was safety. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a lot of superhero movies have a lot of fighting in them and are pretty special effects heavy. As neither of us had any experience in either of these areas, the story couldn’t include things that could cause any permanent damage.

Paintballer solved both of those problems. The basic premise of the story was that a guy was being harrassed/abused by a couple of drug dealers in his neighborhood and decides to take action with the only weapon he has: his cheap, single shot paintball gun.

It solved the first problem because I already had one of those paintball guns. I never tried to use it to actually play paintball. It was only used to goof around/target practice before then. It solved the second problem because, barring getting shot in the eye, getting hit by a paintball wouldn’t cause any serious injuries. Plus, I was going to write it to where nobody got shot in the face. But, just to be safe, I was going to have my “drug dealers” wear sunglasses to cover their eyes in case something went really wrong.

Paintballer wasn’t going to win the day through skill. It was going to be pure luck. Five to ten minutes isn’t a lot of time to tell a story, or plan a fight, so I was going to have it be a slapstick, people getting shot in the nuts (wearing a cup, or other type of protection of course) kind of thing.

Sadly, Paintballer was not meant to be. We got started on it too late, and my coworker and I were never able to get enough time off together to ever put anything down on film, for either his project or mine. I thought about making the video anyway, even if it didn’t get submitted for the contest, but it didn’t seem worth it. Besides, not too many people would probably volunteer to let me shoot paintballs at them without getting some sort of compensation for it.

Over the past few days, I’ve thought about reviving Paintballer and making him more modern. Such as, giving him special paintballs kind of like how Hawkeye and Green Arrow have special arrows. Maybe he has a paintball that releases knockout gas when it ruptures, or one that packs a small amount of explosives so he can blow the lock off a door.

Or, maybe he’ll stay on the trash pile. I don’t know.

Revis "......."

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