Mayor Poopenmeyer watch the news in disbelief. The lead story was about a homeless man who had managed to take down two of The Boss’s goons. It didn’t seem possible for the man he met in his office earlier that day to accomplish that. True, he was wounded in the fight, but the mayor was shocked he survived at all.
Just as he had thought of a way to spin this story in his favor, the reporter said what DICO’s power was. “Dammit,” he cursed. Mayor Poopenmeyer thought he was finished with ridiculous superheroes, but another one came along. His city was going to be a laughingstock again.
A knock on his office door startled him out of his thoughts. Ralph, the building’s security guard, opened the door. He pointed to the TV and said, “He wants to see yous,” in his strange accent.
DICO walked into the room, his shoulder bandaged from the wound he received from the shotgun graze. “I did it, your honor,” he announced. “Just like I said I would.”
“You did it, all right,” the mayor retorted after Ralph had left the room. “You turned our city into a punchline for the supervillain community! Once again, all the really cool bad guys will stay away from here.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“Says you. I could use the kickbacks. I’m broke. I certainly didn’t take this job to make the world a better place.”
DICO ignored the statements. “I did my part. Now, you do yours. Go out and announce that I’m the city’s new superhero.”
“You’re not a superhero. That’s not a real power.”
“Not a real power? Can your nipples do anything?”
“My nipples just disabled two wanted criminals. My nipples can hurt. My nipples can kill.”
“My wife’s nipples can kill too if it’s cold enough.”
“Yeah, but to be fair, hers are way bigger than mine. Hell, they’re the size of pancakes.”
“How did you know that,” the mayor demanded.
“That’s not important right now. What is important is that if you don’t go out there and announce that I’m this city’s new superhero, I will do something crippling.”
“Did you just threaten me?”
“You misunderstand, Mayor Poopenmeyer. I wasn’t threatening to cripple your body. I was threatening to cripple your career.” DICO pulled a cellphone out of his pocket. He turned the screen so the mayor could see that their conversation was being recorded. “I had this turned on the first time we talked too.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Your career may survive you breaking your promise to me, a man who was injured capturing criminals in your city. The two times you admitted to wanting supervillains tearing up our city so that you could get bribe money, however? Not so much.”
Mayor Poopenmeyer looked long a hard look at DICO. “There is no way in hell…”
“…that this city can move forward without the efforts of great heroes like DICO. With him as an example, the rest of us know what we need to do to clean up our streets.”
“Thank you, Mayor Poopenmeyer,” DICO as he stepped up to the podium. Looking out at all of the reporters who had gathered, he continued. “Ladies and gentlemen, my name is DICO and I’m your superhero….”