Why I’m Not a Superhero

I’m sure none of you out there are thinking to yourselves, “You’re so awesome, Revis. Why aren’t you a superhero?” Well, nobody, that’s an excellent question. The honest answer is also the simplest: It’s too much of a hassle.

I tried to do the hero thing once and all I got for it was grief.

The following is a true story about the time I saved a city….
Ok, maybe I didn’t save a whole city. But I did do some good, dammit!


A long time ago, a group of us had gathered at my friend SacTown’s house to, if I remember correctly, watch a football game. Right before halftime, or during some break, it was decided that SacTown and I would run up to Burger King and grab dinner for everybody. We hopped in the car and tried to hurry there so we wouldn’t miss anything on TV.

A few blocks away from his house, on the way to Burger King, there’s a park. When we stopped at a stop sign attached to one of the park’s parking lots, we saw that a trash can in the lot was on fire. SacTown had a bottle of water, so, even though we were in a hurry, he pulled over and dumped the water in the can, extinguishing the small flames.

After congratulating ourselves on our good deed, we went to our destination and picked up everything we were supposed to get; including something we weren’t planning on getting: a Diet Coke.

The reason we weren’t going to get it is because the friend who asked for it pestered us before we left for 10 minutes straight to make sure we knew he wanted Diet Coke and not regular Coke. After the first couple minutes,  it started getting annoying as hell. We were going to come back Diet Coke-less as a lesson to him about pissing off people doing him a favor, but we decided to be nice about it that time.

On the way back to Sac-Town’s house we stopped at the same stop sign at the park. To our surprise, we saw that the trash can was on fire again. So, for the second time, we pulled over. Since he got out the first time, I stepped up to fight the flames this time around. I took the lid off of my orange soda and began dumping it onto the fire.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, but something inside orange soda is apparently flammable. As soon as it hit the fire, it whooshed up out of the can, coming close to getting my hair. I calmly turned back towards Sac-Town, who was sitting in his car with the window down. “That didn’t work,” I stated the obvious.

A cup appeared in his hand. “How about a Diet Coke,” he laughed.

So, I dumped the Diet Coke out onto the flames. This time, they went out. Our second good deed done, I got back into the car. Just as I had put my seatbelt on, a fire truck arrived and blocked the exit. Behind the fire truck was a police car.

SacTown and I got out of the car so we could tell them what happened. Instead of being thanked for our deed, however, we were grilled for about 15 minutes by cops and firemen who apparently didn’t believe that we had put the fire out. Despite the fact that there were no longer any flames, these people decided to believe that we had started the blaze.

Between the two of us, we finally managed to convince them that if we had started a fire there would be, you know,  a fire.

By the time we made it back, everyone was starving and demanded to know what took us so long. I started passing out the food while Sac-Town told the story. Just as he hit the part about saying, “How about a Diet Coke,” I handed the empty cup to our friend. Everyone had a good laugh, except the Diet Coke guy, and we all went about eating our food, which was now the temperature of ice.

That’s what people don’t understand about the hero thing. They see it in comics and the movies and think it’s glamorous and awesome, but that’s not how it works in the real world. In the real world, being a superhero isn’t all that great. Being a superhero is eating a cold Whopper.

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8 comments on “Why I’m Not a Superhero

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    …and getting boo’d for no diet coke. So wrong.

    • To save the world, sacrifices must be made. I tried to sacrifice my drink, but it just made things worse. Besides, that’s what he gets for harassing us while we were doing him a favor.

  2. rarasaur says:

    So what you’re saying is… you ARE a superhero. #calledIt ❤

  3. The Hook says:

    You’re a hero to me, buddy.

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