Captain Procrastination: End With A Bang!


Captain Procrastination walked into the room. You could tell that he was having trouble seeing in the dark. “Dave,” his voiced echoed. “I got your message. I’m glad to finally hear from you again. It’s been awhile. I thought you were mad at me.”

Only silence answered him. He was beginning to get angry. “Look,” he announced, “I came because you said you had por….I mean, adult entertainment. If there’s none here, I’m going home.”

The light turned on, causing him to momentarily shield his eyes. Directly in front of him, but was covered by the darkness, was Skidmark. He was tied to a chair, with his mouth gagged. Captain Procrastination pointed and laughed for a minute before making any movement that could be considered helpful.
He started working on removing the gag when a hand reached around from behind him. It covered his nose and mouth with a cloth. After a brief struggle, Captain Procrastination went down. The person holding the cloth was revealed then. It was Dave.

When next he was awake, Captain Procrastination found that he was tied to a chair right next to Skidmark. “What the hell, Dave,” the captain protested. “We’re friends.”

Enraged, Dave shouted back, “No, we’re not. We’ve never been friends. You ruined my life!”

“How did I ruin your life?”

“You got me fired. Nobody else would hire me because of you two idiots. That made me lose my house. Which led to my wife leaving me and taking my kids!”



“Yeah….so? I saved you. Now you don’t have to put up with a nag and a couple of leeches.”

Dave pulled out a handgun and pistol-whipped Captain Procrastination. When he had regained his senses, he saw that Dave had the gun pointed at Skidmark’s head. “This is for my family,” Dave said, then he pulled the trigger. After the smoke cleared, very little of Skidmark’s head remained.

The gun was then turned on the captain. Instead of pulling the trigger, Dave used his free hand to start untying the rope that was securing him to the chair. Once he had accomplished that, he told Captain Procrastination, “Since we’re ‘friends’, I’ll give you to the count of three to get out of here. One…”

“Thanks, Dave…”



Mayor Poopenmeyer walked up to the podium. “As you can see,” he began, “that video confirms the reports that you’ve been hearing. Captain Procrastination is dead. Normally, the police department would never release that type of video because of the graphic nature of the content, but, since you’ll all go and watch it on YouTube anyways, they thought ‘What the hell’.”

“Has Dave been arrested yet,” one of the reporters asked.

“Yes. He turned himself in soon after he let the video go public.”

“Do you know what he will do at trial?”

“He told me he was going to plead not guilty by reason of ‘those two fuckers deserved it’.”

“Anything else?”

“Not really. Anyways, have a good day everyone. I have to go work on pretending to care about this guy for when I give his eulogy. See you later.”


13 comments on “Captain Procrastination: End With A Bang!

  1. El Guapo says:

    An odd end to an unusual hero…

  2. djmatticus says:

    I will remember him fondly… Well, not really. But, I will remember him. I think. I’m not sure… that sounds like work.
    It was fun while it lasted!
    And always good to go out with a bang.

  3. Twindaddy says:

    Hehehe. Poopenmeyer.

  4. Aw, can we not have a major come back where it turns out it was a faked video and the Captain and Skidmark are actually still alive? It’s so cliche that it’s almost compulsory!!

    • Maybe someday I’ll bring them back, but, for now, I plan on leaving them as they are. It stopped being fun writing it. Trying to come up with new gags to do with a ‘hero’ who didn’t want to do anything was aggravating. There are only so many diarrhea and masturbation jokes that you can do before it becomes old…

      • I can see that. No point in flogging a dead horse, etc. Although maybe the Captain could get himself a proper girlfriend? Who maybe is also some sort of superhero? I’ll let you have that idea for free. 😉 :p

  5. […] this city has been without a superhero since Captain Procrastination was killed. I’d like to be the next […]

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