(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to everyone’s favorite superhero, Captain Procrastination. For the past couple of months, your hero has been incredibly busy saving people’s lives and rescuing those in distress. Because of how busy he was, he was unable to share his adventures with you. He’d like to apologize for the delay, and promise that it won’t happen again.
There. I said it. Now, where’s the hundred bucks you told me you’d give me for reading that garbage? And what’s with the “I promise it won’t happen again” bullshit? Procrastination is in your name. Of course it’s going to happen again.
What’s that? Yes, I know the microphone is still on. I’m not a moron like you. Sure, I’ll turn it off…. when you give me the money you owe me. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Pleasure doing business with you.
Now, please enjoy this episode of Captain Procrastination!)
Our hero had just finished rinsing off the suds when he heard the song that he had come to hate more than any other.
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
“Come on,” Captain Procrastination sighed. “Can’t I even take a shower in peace?”
Rick Rolle ignored him and began to sing again.
Never gonna give you up
Before he got any farther, Rick Rolle had to stop singing. Uncontrollably, his bowels loosened and he began defecating into his pants.
(Narrator’s Note: Captain Procrastination would like me to tell you that he didn’t laugh at Rick Rolle shitting himself. He feels that laughing at someone else’s misfortune is unhero-like…. He laughed…)
“Rick Rolle,” our hero stated as he wrapped a towel around himself, “this is Skidmark.”
Skidmark, after making sure our hero was properly covered, walked into the room. He offered to shake Rick’s hand, but it was refused. “I have a question for each of you, if you don’t mind,” he said as he turned to Captain Procrastination. “What the hell takes you so long to shower?”
“I was washing myself,” our hero shot back.
“That area was clean 5 minutes ago,” Rick laughed. “You were whacking…”
“Washing myself! The bottle says repeat!”
“Not that many times…”
“Gross,” Skidmark shuddered. “As for you,” he turned to Rick Rolle, “First, it was when he was jerking…”
“Massaging myself,” our hero shouted.
Rick Rolle hesitated a second before answering, “Uhhh….no.”
Skidmark laughed, “Yes, you are.”
“Don’t you listen,” our hero asked Skidmark. “He said ‘no’. Sheesh. Pay attention, man.”
“But, he’s….you know what? Nevermind. Figure it out on your own.”
“Umm, ok. Anyways, Rick Rolle, here’s the situation: I’ve hired my archenemy, Skidmark, to follow me around. So now, whenever you pop up to sing that damn song, Skidmark will make you crap your pants. If you want to keep interrupting my life with your annoying music, you can. You’ll just have to change your pants every time you do.”
Rick Rolle looked at our hero, then turned to look at Skidmark, and then back to Captain Procrastination again. Defeated, he sighed, “Fine. You win. I’ll leave you alone.”
“Another evil plot foiled by the mighty Captain Procrastination!”
“Before I go, do you want to go grab a bite to eat with me?”
A look of confusion crossed our hero’s features. “Why would I….”
Finally realizing what was going on, Captain Procrastination screamed like a little girl (although he denies that) and used his superspeed to run far away. The remaining two men looked at each other and both of them shrugged. Rick Rolle left immediately afterwards. Skidmark used his power on himself enough to fill up Captain Procrastination’s toilet. He walked out when he was finished, making it a point not to flush.