Welcome to the fourth episode of Versus. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this segment, what I do is pit two characters from fiction (be it from movie, TV show, video game, or book) against each other. The outcomes of these battles are decided by me and I then encourage you to weigh in with your opinion in the comment section. I also have a form at the bottom for you to fill out if you have an idea for a matchup that you would like to see me do.
Now that everyone is familiar with the concept, let’s get on to this week’s matchups!
ROUND 1: BETTER MOVIE WRESTLER: THUNDERLIPS (HULK HOGAN, ROCKY 3) VS. BONESAW (MACHO MAN, SPIDERMAN)
This is kind of a tough one. Both of these guys started off very well against physically smaller opponents.
Thunderlips was throwing Rocky around for quite some time. In fact, it got so bad that they had to cut to the crowd to get some “that had to hurt” reactions from Adrian. On the other hand, Spiderman spent the first minute of his fight with Bonesaw running away from him. Eventually, Bonesaw got ahold of him and beat him pretty good with a chair.
Both of these wrestlers ended up losing their respective matches, which also helps make it tougher deciding the outcome of this matchup. Therefore, I’m calling this one based solely on their opponent. While Rocky in his prime is a tough fight, he’s no Spiderman….even if it was Spiderman’s first fight. Spiderman has superhuman strength and agility. That means Bonesaw had the tougher fight, which means he wins this round.
ROUND 2: ACHILLES (BRAD PITT, TROY) VS. MAXIMUS (RUSSELL CROWE, GLADIATOR)
Some of you may be wondering why I’m using the movie version of Achilles instead of the mythological version. Two reasons. One, I actually like Brad Pitt’s portrayal of Achilles in the movie. Two, the movie doesn’t bestow any superhuman powers upon him. In the movie, he’s just a badass man. In the myth, he cannot be harmed (except for his heel).
This is another good matchup. Both of these fighters are used to both army combat and one-on-one fights. Achilles is considered Greece’s best warrior. Maximus is considered Rome’s greatest gladiator. Both men ended up dying at the ends of their movies (Maximus because he was mortally wounded before his final fight, Achilles was picked off from afar by an archer).
I’ve been trying to come up with reasons why one would win over the other, but I keep coming up blank. They’re both incredibly badass fighters. How will I resolve this matchup then?
The winner of this matchup is……Maximus. The reason for this is: Maximus and Achilles both killed everyone they fought one-on-one in melee. However, only Maximus was able to defeat an opponent while also killing a 500 lb. tiger at the same time. That’s not to say that Achilles couldn’t have done that, but, since he didn’t, he loses this time.