(Narrator’s Note: Welcome back, dear readers, to another adventure of your hero, Captain Procrastination. Your hero would like for me to tell you that he was NOT watching pornography in the last episode. In his mind, that would be an undignified thing for a hero to do. I’m tired of covering for him, however, so I will not be telling you that. I will no longer be wasting my time playing spin doctor for that fat piece of shi…Hey, what are you doing?….Ow. Give me that microphone back…OW! MY NIPPLE!)
(And stay out! Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to technical difficulties, the rest of the Narrator’s Note has been lost. I apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused. Now, onto the adventures of your hero!
Hey! Why do you have to be such a dick? You keep this up and I’m telling Mom….Because she said you have to be nice to me….I am NOT a little bitch!…Wait… What do you mean the microphone is still on? Oh, Shit!)
He heard grunting coming from the other side of the door. It sounded like trouble. This was an old house, so the hanger trick was able to get the door open for him. With a theatrical flourish, he flung the door wide. On the commode sat a horrified Captain Procrastination.
Together forever and never to part
Together forever we two
And don’t you know
I would move heaven and earth
To be together forever with you
Captain Procrastination’s look turned from horror to confusion. “What,” Rick Rolle asked. “He had other songs.”
“That was a different song,” our hero asked. “It sounded like the same one with different lyrics.”
“You take that back!”
“No. It might be a different song, but it’s still the same giant bunch of suck.”
“I’ll get you for this,” Rick Rolle vowed as he took off, leaving Captain Procrastination sitting on the toilet.
Our hero sat there pushing for a few minutes, but his groove had been thrown off. He pulled out his cell phone, looked through his contact list, and hit the call button when he found the one he wanted. When the phone was answered, he said, “Hey Skidmark, it’s me….Yeah, he busted in while I was going again and I can’t get started back up….. I know. I hate asking, but could you…”
The rest of his sentence was lost in an avalanche of flatulence and fecal matter hitting water. He lost track of time, so he didn’t know exactly how long he was defecating before he finally finished. However long it was, Skidmark had hung up, making it impossible for our hero to thank him for his great deed. As he wiped, he thought about how he could stop Rick Rolle. Looking down at the toilet paper as he tossed it into the toilet gave him an idea. “Ha,” he said to the empty room. “I’ve got you now…..”