Captain Procrastination: Bombs Away


Welcome back, dear readers. I know it has been a while since you last heard the exploits of your hero, Captain Procrastination. After what happened with Skidmark and the Multi-Tasker, he decided it would be best if he laid low for a little bit (By laying low, I mean that he’s sleeping 18 hours a day, playing with himself 5 hours a day, then spending the rest of the time eating and pooping… sometimes at the same time). Now that enough time has passed, he’s ready to go out and take on the bad guys again… In other words, his mom is tired of him being in the house 24/7 and threatened to kick him out if he didn’t leave every once in a while). Now, onto the adventure!

“I’ve been waiting for 21 hours,” the man with the bomb strapped to his chest yelled. “If he’s not here in 10 seconds, I’m pushing the button and making a big crater.”

Police Chief Sisko, recently promoted from Captain, pleaded, “We’ve been trying to get ahold of him since this started, but you should know by now that he comes at his own pace. We have no control over him.”


“I’m here,” our hero exclaimed, making it just in time.

“Jesus. Even for you that’s cutting it a little close,” Chief Sisko scolded.

“Give me a break, Chief. I texted you hours ago, telling you I’d get there when I could.”

“No you didn’t. I’ve gotten no texts from you.”

“You sure you didn’t get a text from me,” our hero asked, his hands momentarily becoming a blur.

Miraculously, a second or two later, the chief’s phone went off. “What do you know,” Sisko asked sarcastically. “It’s your text.”

“You just got it now? Weird….”

“You really expect me to believe that you didn’t just send that? I’m not an idiot, Captain.”

“What are you talking about? I told you I sent that hours ago.”

“Yeah, and that’s a load of bullshi…..”

“Hey,” came a voice from the side. “Guy with a bomb over here. You guys wanna pay attention to me, or should I just blow us all up?”

Our hero shot the chief one last look of contempt….I mean, one last look of reassurance, before turning his attention to the bomber. “You requested my presence?”


Without another word, Chief Sisko, along with all of the other policemen, left the room. After they were gone, the bomber turned to our hero. “Pleased to meet you, Captain Procrastination. My name is …”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. How about you get to the part where you tell me why I’m here? I want to be done with this as quickly as possible.”

“I bet that line doesn’t go over too well with the ladies.”

(At this point, our hero did not share a laugh with the man who had threatened to blow things up. That would be wrong…or something.)

“Seriously, though,” the bomber continued, “I just called you here to warn you.”

“You were going to blow up a bunch of people just to give me a warning?”

“Oh,” he said, taking the bomb off. “It’s not real. I just needed to get you here.”

“You made me run here for nothing? I’m going to kick your ass.”

“I don’t think so, Captain. I’m just here to tell you that I will be following you wherever you go. When you least expect it, I will be popping up to make your life a living hell.”

“Is that so?”

Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

Our hero was momentarily taken aback by the sudden burst into song by his adversary. “Uhhh, what are you doing,” he asked the bomber.

Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

“What the hell, man?”

Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

“Seriously, cut that shit out!”

Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

With that, our hero punched the bomber square in the face and ran away. When he had recovered from the punch, the bomber began laughing. “You can run, Captain Procrastination, but you cannot hide from Rolle, Rick Rolle.”

8 comments on “Captain Procrastination: Bombs Away

  1. Twindaddy says:

    The IRL Rick roll. Hideous.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    No!!! Now I have that song in my head….where is that bomb….

  3. djmatticus says:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you are a comedy genius!

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