Captain Procrastination: The End of the Multi-Tasker?



(Narrator’s Note: I could put a link on here to take you back to the two previous chapters in this story arc, but I refuse to do so. None of you ungrateful bastards has ever thanked me for the job I do. How hard would it be for one of you to say, “Thank you, Narrator. You’ve turned an uninteresting piece of crap into something worth reading.”? It wouldn’t be very hard at all. But, do any of you do it? Noooooooooo. You’re all too busy being giant douch…..)

(Captain Procrastination’s Note: Due to some technical difficulties, our regular narrator will not be able to join us for this episode. Instead, my good friend Dave will join us once again. Now, onto my greatness!!!!)

Ever since I quit working for Shit Stain…

“Skidmark,” the guy who makes people poop interjected.

Whatever. After leaving the job he had given me, I’ve been having trouble finding work. As if the job market didn’t suck enough, most potential employers immediately threw me out when they learned I had something to do with these two asshairs. When they approached me about doing this, I wanted to tell them to go f….

“No F-Bombs,” the fat guy in tights yelled at me.


“And I’m not fat. You can’t tell the audience that I’m fat. It makes me seem less heroic. If you have to comment on it, say, “Our hero has so much muscle that some of it has atrophied before he had a chance to use it”.”

Ugh. I’m not saying that. Anyways, I wanted to tell them to go perform self-coitus, but they offered me money and I need to pay my rent. So, now I have to follow these two losers around and tell you what they’re doing. What a load of suck. Ok, here we go….

They go into a warehouse. The captain says that this is where he encountered The Multi-Tasker before, but it’s empty now. The two idiots argue for about five minutes. Then, Captain Procrastination says he’ll just do the same thing he did last time to find him. He runs off. Me and Shit Stain sit around for two hours before he calls us. When I answer the phone, I could tell he had just woken up from a nap, but he denied it. Captain Lazyass gives me an address and we take a taxi to it.

When we get there, the captain and Shit Stain….

“Stop calling me that!”


“If you call me that one more time, I’m not going to pay you.”

Uhhh…. When we get there, the captain and Skidmark start arguing like a couple of little girls. I sat back and watched in amusement for a few minutes. Soon, I got bored and kind of zoned out. The next thing I knew, I had followed them into the building. They opened the door in front of us and it opened up into an auditorium. The Multi-Tasker was up on the stage giving some kind of speech, but there were dozens of other Multi-Taskers sitting in the seats, listening.  Like idiots, the two I was following started arguing over which one was the real Multi-Tasker. I pointed out that it had to be the one on stage, because he was the leader, but they said I didn’t know anything about superhero business and I should butt out. Their argument became heated, leading to all of the Multi-Taskers turning towards them, annoyed at the interruption.

Skidmark told the captain to keep them busy while he put some plan of his into action. Using his super-speed, he ran up and punched one of the Multi-Taskers and it collapsed. He did it another time. Then, the fat bastard was winded and had to catch his breath. Skidmark started complaining about his plan not working. He said that he needed to find the real Multi-Tasker in order for it to work. Once again, I told them that it was the guy on the stage. I was told that, in order to prove me wrong, they’d use their plan on that one. It worked.

The Multi-Tasker on stage grabbed at his backside as brown liquid leaked out of his costume. Unable to keep his concentration, the rest of the Multi-Taskers winked out of existence. Captain Procrastination started telling him that he was bested and that he needed to leave the city to him and Skidmark. While his partner was talking, Skidmark walked up to the Multi-Tasker and…..WHAT THE HELL??? Skidmark just shot him in the head!

“What are you doing,” Fatty demanded. “We were supposed to defeat him, not kill him.”

“I told you in the first episode of this arc that I wanted your help to take him out, not take him down.”

“I can’t be a part of a murder!”

“It’s too late now.”

With that, Skidmark made Captain Procrastination shit himself and he ran away while he was preoccupied with that. The lazy bastard, after seeing that his nemesis was gone, swore and ran away. I also ran away. I didn’t want to have anything to do with a dead body. When I got home, there was an envelope on my door that had a paycheck for this shitty narrating gig. So, now my job is done. I just want to end this by saying that I hope that both the captain and Skidmark get permanent jock itch and end up scratching their privates off.

Dave out…

9 comments on “Captain Procrastination: The End of the Multi-Tasker?

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Dear Revis, this had me laughing from start to end. 😉

  2. djmatticus says:

    Thank you… for something… I don’t quite remember anymore. Maybe the laughs? Maybe the narration? Maybe nothing?

  3. […] Captain Procrastination walked into the room. You could tell that he was having trouble seeing in the dark. “Dave,” his voiced echoed. “I got your message. I’m glad to finally hear fro… […]

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