Well, dear reader, it is time: time for the Captain Procrastination geekdom challenge. Within this story are 10 (although I might’ve added a couple more just for the hell of it) references based on my particular flavor of geekdom. These references might be any of the following: character names, quotes, or the names of places or things in movies/TV shows/video games that are sci-fi/fantasy/zombie (I’m sure there was probably a better way to say all of that, but I’m also pretty sure you get the point). There is only one rule to this challenge: Don’t point out any of the references in the comments. Other people may want to do this, so don’t tell them any of the answers. There will be two ways of getting the answers (well, three technically, but since my brother is the only one on WordPress who knows where I live, he’s the only one who can come over to my house and ask me). In 2 weeks, I will make a post revealing all of the answers. If you can’t wait that long, email me the references you do find at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will email you back, filling in the blanks. Some of this you will be able to look up online. I’m not going to say you can’t do that, but I wish you wouldn’t. This is supposed to be fun, and if you’re looking this up online, it’ll be like homework…..which is not fun. So now, enjoy the challenge!
(Narrator’s note: Sorry for missing last week’s episode, folks. I just couldn’t take any more of ‘our hero’. The only thing worse than reading about his life is actually having to watch it. What did I do instead? I spent six days and seven nights at New Zealand’s best getaway: the Green Dragon Resort, home of their world-famous ale. Remember their motto, folks, “The only brew for the brave and true comes from the Green Dragon.” For reservation information, visit their website or call 1-555-3263827. Now that I’ve sold out, it’s onto the show!)
“Now batting, number 5, Johnny Nova.”
Joshua Majere was barely paying attention to the game anymore. He looked down at his watch again, wondering where his ex-wife was with their son. She promised she would drop him off before the first pitch, but it was already the bottom of the second inning. Of course, she also promised not to have sex with anyone else while we were married, he thought bitterly to himself, and look where that got me. A roar of the crowd brought him out of his contemplations, as the batter hit a double off the wall.
“Now batting, number 45, Benjamin Strata.”
He rolled his eyes and looked at his watch again. Watching baseball was not something he normally did, but his son liked it, so he tried his best to endure. As the announcer informed the crowd that the last pitch was a ball, Joshua pulled out his phone to call her. Before he could dial, he heard his son cry out, “Dad,” behind him. Turning, he almost fell when his son jumped up into his arms before he was ready. Joshua maintained his balance and put on a big smile for his boy.
“Hi, buddy,” he exclaimed. “What’s going on?”
“Guess what, Dad,” his six-year-old son Jason asked. Because he was six, and had no patience, Jason continued as if he hadn’t asked his dad a question. “Mom got me a dog.”
By this time, Joshua’s ex-wife, Lisa, had caught up to them. Joshua turned an angry glare her way, while excitedly talking to Jason, “That’s great! What kind of dog is it?”
“It’s a mabari!”
“Awesome! Do me a favor, ok? Watch the game while I talk to your mom for a minute.”
Joshua had vowed to never lose his temper towards his ex-wife in front of Jason. He took a few seconds to repeat the phrase, “Embrace your calm,” over and over in his head. On look at the smirk on her face told him that this was the reaction that she was hoping for. Now, “Embrace your calm” was replaced with “She is starting to damage my calm.” The inning had ended and the public address announcer had called everyone’s attention to the field. Joshua used this time to confront his ex-wife.
“You got him the dog,” he asked, surprised that he didn’t use the word ‘bitch’ in the question. “You told me that we would talk about it more before you got it.”
“I was going to,” she replied, “but then I remembered that I don’t need your permission to do whatever the hell I want to in my own house.”
His calm was no longer damaged. It was completely gone. He was about to voice this when the entire stadium erupted in a chorus of screams and groans. Jason ran over, crying, and latched onto his leg. Confused, the formerly married couple looked up at the giant screen in the outfield. The screen showed a fat, naked man standing on the pitcher’s mound. Just as they looked up at it, he started to dance. Disgusted, Joshua turned away and saw that his ex did likewise. Before we move on to the next part of the story, Joshua couldn’t help to think to himself, “That’s the first time she’s ever turned away from a penis.”
Our hero sat in his chair, anxiously waiting for the phone to ring (Or, maybe he was just anxious because they were about to reveal who the killer was in the movie he was watching). Suddenly, a screen off to his side flared to life and an image of a man appeared on it. “Mayor Poopenmeyer,” our hero said. “When did we start using a TV screen? What happened to the phone calls?”
“We hooked this up for you over the weekend,” the mayor responded. “Don’t you remember? You were sitting in that chair when they did it.”
“Weird. You’d think I wouldn’t forget something like that.”
“Right. Well, we need your help, Captain Procrastination.”
“Sure, mayor, but let me finish this movie first.”
“This one? Have you really not figured out that the lawyer killed him to be with his widow?”
“Great. Thanks for ruining it, you bastard. Now I’ve got to find something new,” our hero said as he started flipping through channels.
The mayor started to plead with Captain Procrastination for his attention, but our hero had other things on his mind. “Joshua, you are NOT the father!” Flip. “Oh no. The zombies killed God.” Flip. “And this year’s Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to….. Alexander Dane!” Flip. “There’s a 50% chance of rain today.” Flip. “The final score was 6-5.”
“Is that him,” came a voice from the mayor’s screen. Our hero turned to see a new man, in an army uniform standing there. “This fat slob is your city’s hero?”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’m Major Henry West. This case has the potential to be a threat to national security, so I’ve been assigned to watch its progress.”
“Case? What case?”
“The case the mayor tried to tell you about, but you were too busy watching TV to listen to him.”
“Damn. If you’re going to get an attitude about it, go ahead and tell me.”
“A man was able to take control over all of the television signals at the baseball game earlier.”
“So? It’s not like anyone watches baseball anyways.”
“That’s what he found out. Apparently he didn’t like how small his audience was so he threatened to take over all of the television signals coming out of the local cable company.”
A second later the image on our hero’s TV turned into a fat, naked guy dancing. Putting on a brave face, Captain Procrastination kept looking at the TV long enough to see that hitting the channel button did no good. It was on every station.
“This is an outrage,” our hero cried. “Never have I seen anything so vile! How dare this asshole take away my TV! Where’s the cable company, Major?”
“Captain Sisko, send the address to Captain Fatass…I mean, Procrastination.”
As soon as his phone beeped, our hero was in motion. He arrived at the cable company less than a minute later. When he got there, however, the naked man was already handcuffed and was being put into the back of a police car by another man in tights. At a loss for words, our hero stuttered when he walked up to the new man, “Who….”
“His name is Daryl Dixon,” the man said. “He like to call himself The Exhibitionist. He gets off by forcing others to look at him naked.”
“And who the hell are you,” Captain Procrastination asked when he finally regained his composure.
“I’m the Multitasker. All I was doing at the moment was foiling a bank robbery, saving a dog from a burning building, and stopping a drunk driver from crashing into another car, so I thought I’d give you a hand, Captain.”
“Are you trying to make me look bad, you jackass? This is my city. I protect it. It’s always been my dream to be this town’s greatest superhero.”
“Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they’ve turned to dust. Besides, there’s more than enough going on in this town for the both of us to stay busy. See you later, Captain.”
With that, the Multitasker was gone, leaving our hero to contemplate this new threat to his heroism.