Katellan had never been overly dramatic, but I was finding his fear hard to believe. “Please tell me you don’t actually think that happened,” I laughed. “Nobody can take off someone’s head bare handed. That’s probably a rumor he started himself to increase his rep.”
Katellan shook his head. “Pay attention to what I said. I didn’t say I heard he did this. I said I actually saw him do this.”
Wait. Is that what he said? I looked over at Envy for confirmation. “Yes,” Envy answered my unasked question. “That is what the red idiot said.”
“Blast it. I’m Torr Nupp. Torr Nupp is the pinnacle of creation. Torr Nupp is too great to be making mistakes like that. Torr Nupp is….”
It was at this point that I realized that, once again, I had been speaking out loud (by the way, when you’re as great as I am, you’re allowed to talk in the third-person). For some reason, I’ve been having trouble keeping my inner dialogue very “inner” today. Since nothing is ever my fault, I’m going to blame this on Katellan stun blasting me repeatedly over the past 30 or so hours.
“Not a single word,” I warned. “From either of you.” When it became apparent that they were actually going to follow my command for once, I turned to Katellan. “Get the ship ready and get us out of here. I want to be in Mos Espa as quickly as possible.”
After Katellan left to carry out my bidding, I turned to Envy. “Katellan programmed you to be able to fly the ship, right?”
“Yes, Master,” he replied (although I was not aware that droids were capable of a sarcastic tone until I heard him call me ‘master’).
“Good. We’re going to go to Tatooine, fix Turussk’s swoop, then fix Teebo’s swoop, and then me and you are getting the hell out of there, leaving Katellan to rot on that sun-cursed planet while we hide out for a time.”
“That sounds like an excellent plan, but there is a problem.”
“And that is?”
“Teebo swore that he’d never let you work on his bike again.”
“Yes, well there is that.” I stopped. “Wait. Why is there ‘that’? I’ve never worked on his bike before.”
“No, Master. I did.”
“What did you do that was so bad? Did you make a mistake when you were fixing it?”
“Of course not! Unlike others who have made the claim, I truly am the pinnacle of creation. I don’t make mistakes.”
I could’ve ignored that little shot he just took at me, but this droid needed to be taken down a peg. Instead, I hit the comm link to Katellan. “Tatooine is the planet that has all the Jawas on it, right,” I asked him.
A few seconds later, Katellan had a confused response, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I was waiting for Envy’s reaction. “You wouldn’t dare,” he finally said.
“Oh, I wouldn’t? I’m planning on ditching Katellan. Why wouldn’t I do the same to you?”
Neither of us spoke for what seemed like forever. Finally, Katellan come over the comm link. “You do know that you left it on and I heard you say that you were going to ditch me, don’t you?”
Blast! I was kind of hoping that I could blind side him the way he blindsided me. Oh well. Maybe it’s better this way. “Would you want to hang around me if I got you mixed up with some crazy mercenary? No. So quit whining about getting what you deserve and get the ship ready for takeoff,” I said as I switched the comm link off. I shook my head and turned my attention back to Envy, but I stopped. I had forgotten what we were talking about. As soon as I’m done talking with the droid, I need to go take a nap or something. My head is just not right today (“But your head is never right on any day, Torr” Oh, ha ha. You’re so clever and funny).
“Before you so rudely interrupted yourself,” Envy said, “you were asking me about Teebo’s pledge to never have you work for him again.”
Sometimes I hate that droid. He reminds me of somebody, but I just can’t place it. Well, whoever it is, they’re an egotistical jerk.
“Start at the beginning,” I instructed. “And no commentary. Just give the facts.”
“I, along with every other droid that is capable, am curious about the behavior of you fleshpiles.”
“I said no commentary, you bucket of bolts.”
If droids were able to do such things, I’d be on the receiving end of a dirty look. As it stood, I just smiled at Envy and waited for him to continue.
“Yes, well, as I was saying, I find you organic creatures to be a bit of a mystery. Your behavior follows no known logic.”
“What are you talking about? How does this have anything to do with Teebo?”
Envy sighed. The blasted droid actually sighed. If I ever run into the guy who built him again, I’m going to kick him in the crotch. “Impatience is another trait of you fleshpiles that I don’t understand. If you would have let me continue, I would have explained it.”
“Another thing I don’t understand about organic behavior is the contradictory nature of it. For example, you all talk about how honesty is right and lying is wrong. Yet, when the time comes, you usually lie, which is illogical if it is, in fact, the wrong thing to do. I also have heard that it is good for humans to ‘get things off their chest’, to tell the truth to someone they have been dishonest to. I decided to do an experiment and see if that was true when Teebo came to The Quick Fix.”
Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good. “What did you do, Envy?”
“Even though you hate Teebo, you were always nice to him, which made him think that he was your friend. After I finished his swoop, while you were in last place in a race, he asked me to convey a greeting to you. I told him I wouldn’t. He asked me why. I told him that you didn’t actually like him. He asked me why.”
Oh, no. Bad things are coming. This story will not end well for me. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him the truth. I told him that you said he was a piece of garbage and that the only way for him to get that ugly, and stupid, was if his mother mated with a Hutt.”
Boom. That sound you just heard was the chances of me getting out of this with my life and my career intact exploding. Or, it could’ve been Envy, who continued to chatter.
“I must say, Master, I never thought my experiment would be a success. I didn’t think that ‘getting it off my chest’ would do anything, but I was wrong. I know I certainly felt better after telling Teebo the truth.”