Captain Procrastination: Dave’s Revenge

Dearest readers, your hero, and mine, Captain Procrastination, must warn you that this episode contains offensive language. Normally, our hero would not subject you to such things, but as they are integral to the story, he had no choice. He apologizes in advance for any trauma this may cause your delicate sensibilities.

Our hero opened his eyes and was greeted with an unfamiliar sight. He knew he was in a place he had never been before, just as he knew it was Skidmark’s lair. The smell of feces and the squishy feeling in his tights told him that much. Looking around he didn’t see much, but he did see the security camera. “I’m awake,” he yelled, knowing his archenemy would soon come to him.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Skidmark entered the room with Dave. Captain Procrastination tried to rise, but he was tied to his chair. “I see you came to rescue Dave again,” Skidmark said.

“Of course,” the captain proclaimed. “A hero always rescues his sidekick.”

Dave and Skidmark exchanged confused glances. Turning back to our hero, Dave bewilderedly stated, “We met for twenty minutes one time. That doesn’t make me your sidekick.”

“Yes, it does.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Yes, it does.”

(Narrator’s Note: The yes/no back and forth between Captain Procrastination and Dave actually went on for five more minutes after this, but since it makes our hero appear undignified, we’ll say that it didn’t happen.)

“Regardless of who is what to whom,” Skidmark interrupted, “you’re now my prisoner and I will torture you slowly until the time comes for me to kill you.”

“You’ll never get away with this, you little shit.” Turning to Dave, he added with a grin, “You see what I did there? It’s a pun.”

“Yeah, Dave remarked, rolling his eyes. “Very clever.”

“Wait. I’m mad at you for betraying me! You’re not allowed to laugh at my awesome joke!”

“I’ll try to control myself, Captain. Look, personally, I don’t care about you and your little fight with Shit Stain.”

“Skidmark,” our villain interjected.

“Whatever. What I do care about is my job, and since he’s my boss, I gotta do what he says.”

“Sit tight,” Skidmark laughed, “while my evil henchman and I decide how to torture you first.”

“Ok,” Dave yelled. “I’m not your evil henchman and I’m not his sidekick. I’m just a normal guy. Damn, you’re both fucking idiots.”

“Dave,” they both shouted in unison. “Watch your language,” our hero finished.

“Let me see if I’ve got this, we both said ‘shit’ and it was fine, but when I say…”

“No,” they screamed in unison again. “Dave,” Captain Procrastination began, “shit is a word that is now accepted by society, as it is now allowed to be said on basic cable. Case in point, that episode of South Park where they kept track of how many times they said it without getting bleeped. The F-bomb is not acceptable as you can only say it on the pay channels like HBO.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dave exclaimed. When he saw that they weren’t, he continued, “To hell with both of you fucktards. I need my job, but I don’t need it this badly. I quit. I’m getting away from you assholes before I start killing bitches up in here.”

The two enemies looked at each other for a minute after Dave had walked out of the room. Skidmark began to untie our hero. “I’m sorry,” he said. “If I had known how bad he’d turn out to be I’d never have sent him after you. It just doesn’t seem right to keep you after what he just put you through.”

“It’s ok,” Captain Procrastination replied. “It’s a sad day in the world when you can’t trust your evil henchmen anymore.”

“Evil henchman? I don’t think so. He’s your sidekick.”

“Hell no. He admitted that he wasn’t my sidekick. He also said the he was working for you. That makes this all your fault.”

“It is not my fault.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”

(Narrator’s Note: What happened next is not very clear. While I can’t tell you what did happen, I can tell you what didn’t happen. Our hero and his archenemy did NOT continue their ‘is not/is too’ argument for another ten minutes. Then, that did NOT turn into a sissified slap fight that left them both crying.)

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One comment on “Captain Procrastination: Dave’s Revenge

  1. The Hook says:

    I’m not easily offended, buddy.
    This rocked!

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