The Adventures of Captain Procrastination: Part 3

“Wait a minute,” Mr. Johnson began, “I remember you. You’re the guy who saved those people in that chemical plant fire a couple of weeks ago.”

“Yes,” our hero exclaimed. “That was me.”

“Why’d you wait so long to help them?”

“Because it made me look cooler. If I saved them right away, there’s not as much drama, so it’s not as interesting.”

“But they could’ve died!”

“I know. That’s why it was so awesome when I saved them.”

“Get over it, man. They didn’t die, so get off my back. I didn’t see you doing anything to help them.”

“I don’t have super speed! How could I have helped them?”

“Exactly.”

Mr. Johnson looked at Dave and asked, “What in the hell is wrong with this guy?”

“Drop the act, Mr. Johnson,” our hero commanded as he took a step towards him. “Or should I call you ‘Skidmark’?” With a flourish, Captain Procrastination grabbed a handful of Mr. Johnson’s hair and pulled. Nothing happened. “That’s weird,” the captain said as, for some reason, Mr. Johnson was holding his head and cursing. “I could’ve sworn you were my arch-enemy Skidmark.”

“You have an arch-enemy named Skidmark,” queried Dave as if he had trouble believing that statement.

“Yes. We grew up together, but he turned on me when we first manifested our powers.”

“Why?”

“Maybe it’s because you yank on people’s hair for no reason,” Mr. Johnson interrupted.

Ignoring him, our hero answered, “Because my super speed is way cooler than his power.”

Dave waited for him to continue, but, when he didn’t, was forced to ask, “what’s his power?”

“He turns other people’s solid waste into diarrhea and makes them crap their pants.”

Dave, to hide his fear of Skidmark’s power, began laughing. When Captain Procrastination didn’t join him in laughing, he stopped. “Seriously? That’s his power? How can someone with that power be your arch-enemy?”

“Have you ever ran at subsonic speed with liquid shit flying out the back of your pants? It’s not pretty.”

“That’s right, Captain,” Mr. Johnson roared as he pulled off his wig, revealing himself to be Skidmark. “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.”

“Why didn’t that work when I tried it,” our hero wondered aloud.

“You were distracted.”

“How was I distracted?”

Dave caught it first. “Oh, dear God! That’s disgusting!”

“Shut up,” the captain demanded. “My doctor has me on a new diet.”

“Of what? Buffalo wings and donkey ass?”

“Like yours smells any….donkey ass? Ass ass? Really? You had to go there?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Skidmark cried. “I just came to warn you, Captain. Your days in this town are numbered! I’ve got new friends and those friends want to see you go just as much as I do.”

With that, Skidmark ran away. Our hero wanted to chase after him, but he had a squishy problem in the back of his pants. “Next time,” he vowed. “Next time, you will pay for what you have done to me.”

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2 comments on “The Adventures of Captain Procrastination: Part 3

  1. twindaddy says:

    Reblogged this on Stuph Blog and commented:
    Folks, please run over to Revis Edgewater’s blog and check out his hilarious super hero story. It’s, well, disturbing. But funny.

Revis "......."

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