As there aren’t a whole lot of people in the warehouse where I work, most of my good Newb burns are lost to a larger audience. So, I decided to start writing them down so I could put them here and bring more joy to everybody.
1. On break, I took a big drink of Mountain Dew, causing me to burp. After burping, I stopped, looking as if deep in thought. Newb asked what I was thinking about. I responded, “That burp was more interesting than anything you’ve ever said to me.”
2. When talking to a few other people, the subject of marriage came up. Newb declared that he was never getting married. I replied, “That’s because your type of marriage isn’t legal in this state.”
3. One of our supervisors was describing how to do something with the computer that Newb had never done before. After he finished, and Newb still looked confused, the supervisor said, “It’s like sex. Once you’ve done it, you’ll always know how to do it.” I looked at our supervisor and said, “You used the wrong analogy. He’ll never know what you’re talking about.”
4. Newb, apparently trying to call me fat, said that I didn’t look like a vegetarian. I replied, “That’s funny, because out of everyone here, you look like you eat the most meat.”
Other than the second one, all of those happened today. I’m going to try to think of some of the older ones and when I remember them, I’ll put them up here, but for now, I’m too tired to think of any more right now.